Relationship Tip of the Week #91-I messages

This week i am featuring a blog by Dan Wile who has written the best book(After the Honeymoon) i have ever read on the communiation process of couples. Many authors offer their advice on how to have the best conversations but in real life, they rarely take place. Below, Dan Wile offers his take(written for therapists) on why the process often gets derailed and how to help couples create the best chance for a successful exchange:

TRANSLATING YOU-MESSAGES INTO I-MESSAGES- The task in Collaborative Couple Therapy is to turn fights into intimate conversations— or to put it in Thomas Gordon’s terms, to translate you-messages (“You hurt me”) into I-messages (“I feel hurt and then I feel angry”). When one partner sends the other a you-message, we move in, speak for the former, and show how it would sound if instead he or she had sent an I-message.

We need to be careful, however, since many I-messages contain hidden you-messages—and I don’t mean just obvious examples such as “I feel you are a jerk.” For example, in sending an I-message, people are told to say, “When you do such and such, I feel such and such.” “When you come home late, I feel hurt”—or sad or lonely or mad. Some communications skills trainers recommend stating the feeling first: “I feel hurt when you come home late.” In either case, the person being addressed is likely to hear the person speaking as saying: “You shouldn’t come home late” and “I feel hurt because you hurt me.” The person speaking is making a complaint—which is why he or she uses the words: “when you do such and such.” And a complaint is by nature a you-message. That person is saying, “You are doing something I don’t like” or “You are failing to do something I would like.” In using the “when you…I feel” formula, the speaker includes a feeling, but the complaint is still there, and the feeling (“I feel hurt”) often has a you-message hidden in it (“because you abandon me”). The “when you…I feel” formula does serve an important purpose, however. It limits the person’s complaint to a specific behavior (being late). There is no room for the inflammatory “always” (as in “Why are you always so late?”) or for character assassination (“You’re irresponsible,” “You’re inconsiderate” or “You think only about yourself”).

Use of the formula softens the accusation by excluding such escalation-promoting elements. In our efforts to translate the partners’ you-messages into I-messages, we engage in a different kind of softening. We acknowledge the doubts they might have about the fairness of their accusations, the fears they might have about how their partners might respond, and the wishes they might have about what they hope to accomplish. We can say, for example, speaking as one of the partners to the other, “I hope you don’t take this wrong.” Or “I know I’m being critical.” Or “I fear this might not go over well.” Or, “At the risk of saying something I will regret, I’m going to tell you that….” Or “I don’t want to ruin the good mood between us, but this has been on my mind.” Or “I hope I can find a way to say this that doesn’t just make you angry.” Or “I’m upset so I might not be saying this in the best possible way.” Or “I’ve had a bad day so I hope I’m not just taking it out on you.” Or “I know I’ve got some nerve complaining since I’m not so easy to live with.” Or, “I realize that it’s hard for you to get away sometimes, it’s just that….” Such examples of what people could (but generally don’t) say makes clear that what comes out our mouths is typically only a fragment of what goes on in our minds. In confiding their doubts, fears, and wishes, the partners would be bringing each other into their ongoing dialogue with themselves. They would be creating a meta-level—a platform—from which to look with each other at what is going on in their minds. They would be adding elements of an I-message to their you-message. But when people are upset, they are unlikely to do such confiding or, for that matter, to be able to use or even remember the “when you…I feel” formula. They sink into a grim, narrowed-down state in which they lose track of all doubts, fears, and wishes and just blurt out, “Why are you always so late? You’re selfish and inconsiderate.”

It is hard for people to send an I-message when they are in a you-message frame of mind—that is, when their neuro-circuits and neurotransmitters are in anger mode. Even if they manage to come up with the right words for an I-message, their tone of voice gives them away. Later, when they and their partners have calmed down—and if the issue at hand isn’t long-term and embittering—one partner may slip into I-message mode and reach out to the other: “I’m sorry I came on so strong about your being late.” Such acknowledgement might be too little too late. But it has the potential to shift the other into I-message mode—that is, the state of mind in which it is possible to send true I-messages. The partner who apologized for coming on strong is making him/herself vulnerable in a way that can disarm the other partner and trigger a cycle in which each (1) admits what he or she had just been denying, (2) appreciates the reasonableness of the other’s point of view, and (3) takes back many of his or her accusations.

Vulnerability inspires vulnerability. “Yes, but I’ve got to work harder to be on time.” “Yes, but I shouldn’t mind so much when you’re a little late.” “Maybe, but it’s still inconsiderate—and disrespectful.” “Yes, but I’ve got to remember that what drew me to you in the first place is your relaxed attitude: how you’re not always worried about getting everything done so perfectly and so exactly on time.” “Yes, and I need to remember that what drew me to you was how efficient and organized you are. I wanted some of that.” When partners shift from the you-message to the I-message frame of mind, they become different people and find themselves in a different relationship.

In conclusion: (1) you-messages come in various degrees and shades: expletives (“Go fuck yourself”), character assaults (“You’re selfish”), exaggeration (“You’re always late”), sarcasm (“I love how prompt you always are”), complaints (“You’re late”) and even certain I-messages (“I feel lonely” when said with a tone of voice that implies “You abandon me”). (2) To send a true I-message, partners need to be in the right frame of mind, one in which their anger or hurt has sufficiently quieted so they can reach out to the other. (3) You-messages are contagious (people receiving them are likely to respond with one of their own), and so are I-messages (vulnerability inspires vulnerability). (4) To the extent that we, their therapists, have not joined them in the you-message mode, we will be in position to translate their you-messages into true I-messages—by confiding (reporting) the complaint rather than making it, eliminating the barbed tone, and bringing in the speaker’s doubts, fears, and wishes.

To visit Dan Wile's Blog click below:

http://danwile.com/professional-training/my-blog/

Relationship Tip of the Week #90-Caring

If you want to take a quick check of the status of your relationship, ask your partner:
"Do you feel cared about by me at this moment?"

Many of us are frightened to ask this question because the answer may be no. And yet, what better way to find out if your partner has some issues that need to be addressed. Many men are afraid to open this door and let a barrage of complaints come through but will claim that they want their partner to be happy. Both partners often feel as if they are already doing everything they can to care for their partner and thus they often feel overwhelmed, unappreciated or simply hurt by their partner's statements.

It is actually an act of courage and caring at the same time to ask this question and hear where you stand with your partner.

If you are able to do this and your worse fears are realized and your partner is not feeling cared about, take a deep breath and listen to what is being said. You do not have to defend yourself(this will definitely make matters worse), nor come up with a quick solution or what may be an empty promise to change your behavior. Take a day to think about what your partner needs and whether you can truly make changes to help him/her to feel cared for by you. If you do not think you can meet your partner's requests, state that you will continue to think about what she/he needs and will remain open to the possibility of change. If you can stretch yourself to be more sensitive to what your partner needs than of course take action.

At the very least, the act of inquiring, will help the two of you to become more connected.

Relationship Tip of the Week #89-Instant Romance

If you have been feeling disconnected from your partner for a while and you want an instant fix, i suggest you find a copy of the song you used for your first dance at your wedding or a slow romantic song that has meaning for you and your partner, take your spouse's hand , turn down the lights, turn up the music, pull him/her to you, hold each other close as you move in unison and let the memory of the love that brought you together wash over your mind's eye.

If you don't have a favorite romantic song, i offer a brief list of mine:

Have i told you lately that i love you? by Van Morrison
Just A Kiss by Lady Antebellum
At Last by Etta James or my favorite version by Red and the Red Hots(excellent swing band from the 90's) which is easier to dance to
I won't Let Go by Rascal Flatts.
Someone Like You by Van Morrison
I Finally Found Someone by Barbara Streisand and Bryan Adams

If you have a favorite romantic song, please e-mail it to me at victordancer@netzero.net and i will list it in one of my relationship tips in March.

Relationship Tip of the Week #88-"I love you but i am not in love-Part 2

In my last post, i described how we "fall out of love" with our partner and the symptom of no longer "being in love" with him or her.

Is it possible to get that feeling back after losing it?

I believe that it is but that both partners must be willing to work at it and confront some painful truths.

First, there has to be a willingness to share the hurts and disappointments that each have experienced over the years and a commitment to address them in a non-defensive way.

Second, each has to be ready to bring positive energy and an openness to one an other's needs.

Third, if there are any addictions that have developed, they must be addressed.

Fourth, the couple must make a significant effort to spend quality time together and bring an attitude of fun to the experiences they share

Fifth, each must express an interest in one an other's life(work, parenting hobbies) apart from the couple.

Sixth, hold an honest discussion of your physical connection and commit to explore your needs for affection and sexual intimacy.

Seventh, each must make time together a top priority despite the demands of today's busy society.

If this sounds a lot like what happens when most couples meet and fall in love-of course it is- except for number one as the couple has not experienced the challenges and differences that surface in a living relationship.

While you can never get back the feelings of infatuation and newness of a relationship that has just started, you can feel deeply connected and a joy at being together with someone that truly knows and cares about you.

Relationship Tip of the Week #87-"I Love You but I am not in Love"-Part 1

One of the phrases i often hear in my office from one of the partners who have come for marital help is "I love you but i am not in love with you". Understandably, this is a very distressing experience for both members of a couple. There is fear that the feeling of "being in love" will never return and this means that the relationship is over. It is often puzzling as to how this happened. It is also confusing as to what can be done to restore the feelings of love and sexual attraction that bring most couples together.

While relationships are complex and there do not appear to be simple answers to the challenge of partnering in this day and age, i believe that this phenomena is most easily explained by understanding how we protect ourselves from feelings of hurt and woundedness that take place on a daily basis: our partner disappoints us; forgets a request; does not understand what we are saying; acts rejecting; is insensitive to our needs; acts in ways we experiece as selfish; calls us derogatory names; is impatient; speaks in a patronizing manner; rejects our requests for affection or sexual intimacy, to name just a few.

Naturally, any of the above at the very least sting and sometimes are experienced as a deep wound in our heart or psyche. If there are many acts of love or tenderness to counterbalance the inevitable hurts that take place, we recover, repair and reconcile. If the pain becomes too frequent, we become cautious around our partner, lose trust in their good will, love and caring for us and begin to see them as "the enemy". In order to protect ourselves, we begin to close our heart and mind to our partner. While this does indeed miminmize the hurt that we experience, it does not allow any love that is coming our way to be felt and also does not allow any love we feel in our hearts to be expressed.

Thus we may have a place in our mind of connectedness from earlier days in the relationship that we remember and ways in which our partner still is helpful which allow us to say we love our partner, but we are now cut off from our own feelings of tenderness and vulnerability and we become isolated in our relationship.

Next Week-What can be done to re-awaken our "feelings of love".

Relationship Tip of The Week #86-The Conversation-the challenge of gender

In order to help facilitate "The Couple's Conversation", i am listing below some of the gender differences that contribute to making this process more challenging. Of course, not all men and women are alike and there are always exceptions to prove the rule; however, most of the elements listed below will be recognized by most couples.

1) Women are more comfortable having longer conversations which makes it frustrating for them when men want to end the discussion prematurely.

2) Men have less interest in many of the details that women want to share and want to get to the point or solve the problem.

3) Since men are not as comfortable with "our relationship" talks as women, they will often avoid or put off the discussions which feels very uncaring and unloving to women.

4) Men will respond more quickly with anger when hurt or cornered which makes it difficult for women to not become fearful.

5) Women will often respond with hurt and tears to conflict or accusations which cause men to shut down and withdraw as they are uncomfortable with sadness and feel guilty for causing their partner's pain.

6) It generally takes men longer to calm themselves down when their anger is activated making relationship repair more difficult for women as they usually want to re-establish the connection more quickly.

7) Men will focus on logic and women will zero in on emotion which leads both to feel frustrated when trying to have what each considers a resonable conversation.

Obviously, these differences have been present for a long time and will not likley disappear in the near future.

So what can you do?

I believe the simple recognition of these differences by each partner can help to minimize taking certain gender communication styles personally. Keeping these differences in the back of your mind will also allow you to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and utilize softer and more caring approaches when holding "The Conversation".

Next Week: Individuation

Relationship Tip of The Week #85-The Conversation-The Challenge of Consistency

As most of us would agree. the challenge of consistency is one of the keys to developing any new skill. Whether it be sports, eating healthily, learning to use the computer, or communicating with your spouse, you must practice regularly until the skill becomes an integrated part of your life. Most skills do not come easily to most of us and it is not uncommon to give up or decide that we can't really succeed or it is a skill that is not too important. However, i think most of us would acknowledge that talking with our partner in an effective manner is a skill that is worth learning.

What can you do to overcome the challenge of consistency in speaking with and listening to your partner?

1) Speak with your partner about making a commitment to holding "The Couple's Conversation" at least once a week for three months. Recognize that it may be difficult and it is important that you support each other and keep your eye on the goal as you face the inevitable discomfort that comes with developing any new skill.
2) Read the blogs that i have written on this topic together and discuss them with one another before you start.
3) Set aside a certain time(no more than half an hour) each week with a back-up plan in case there is a legitimate reason to have to change the time.
4) Support and encourage each other after each session and look for the progress as well as the areas that may need more attention.
5) Do not criticize each other even if it goes poorly, but rather talk about the difficulty in staying with something that may be challenging or painful.
6) If you are running into stumbling blocks that you cannot overcome, set up a consultation with a therapist who specializes in this type of work.
7) Do not give into your own or your partner's desires to stop talking even when "The Conversation" goes poorly.
8) Remind each other that much of life that is worth while takes true effort.
9) Try to end each session with a heartfelt hug and kiss.