Improving Your Relationship by Victor J Goldman

Relationship Tip of the Week #88-"I love you but i am not in love-Part 2

2012-01-28T08:10:00.004-05:00

In my last post, i described how we "fall out of love" with our partner and the symptom of no longer "being in love" with him or her.

Is it possible to get that feeling back after losing it?

I believe that it is but that both partners must be willing to work at it and confront some painful truths.

First, there has to be a willingness to share the hurts and disappointments that each have experienced over the years and a commitment to address them in a non-defensive way.

Second, each has to be ready to bring positive energy and an openness to one an other's needs.

Third, if there are any addictions that have developed, they must be addressed.

Fourth, the couple must make a significant effort to spend quality time together and bring an attitude of fun to the experiences they share

Fifth, each must express an interest in one an other's life(work, parenting hobbies) apart from the couple.

Sixth, hold an honest discussion of your physical connection and commit to explore your needs for affection and sexual intimacy.

Seventh, each must make time together a top priority despite the demands of today's busy society.

If this sounds a lot like what happens when most couples meet and fall in love-of course it is- except for number one as the couple has not experienced the challenges and differences that surface in a living relationship.

While you can never get back the feelings of infatuation and newness of a relationship that has just started, you can feel deeply connected and a joy at being together with someone that truly knows and cares about you.

Relationship Tip of the Week #87-"I Love You but I am not in Love"-Part 1

2011-12-18T08:19:00.004-05:00

One of the phrases i often hear in my office from one of the partners who have come for marital help is "I love you but i am not in love with you". Understandably, this is a very distressing experience for both members of a couple. There is fear that the feeling of "being in love" will never return and this means that the relationship is over. It is often puzzling as to how this happened. It is also confusing as to what can be done to restore the feelings of love and sexual attraction that bring most couples together.

While relationships are complex and there do not appear to be simple answers to the challenge of partnering in this day and age, i believe that this phenomena is most easily explained by understanding how we protect ourselves from feelings of hurt and woundedness that take place on a daily basis: our partner disappoints us; forgets a request; does not understand what we are saying; acts rejecting; is insensitive to our needs; acts in ways we experiece as selfish; calls us derogatory names; is impatient; speaks in a patronizing manner; rejects our requests for affection or sexual intimacy, to name just a few.

Naturally, any of the above at the very least sting and sometimes are experienced as a deep wound in our heart or psyche. If there are many acts of love or tenderness to counterbalance the inevitable hurts that take place, we recover, repair and reconcile. If the pain becomes too frequent, we become cautious around our partner, lose trust in their good will, love and caring for us and begin to see them as "the enemy". In order to protect ourselves, we begin to close our heart and mind to our partner. While this does indeed miminmize the hurt that we experience, it does not allow any love that is coming our way to be felt and also does not allow any love we feel in our hearts to be expressed.

Thus we may have a place in our mind of connectedness from earlier days in the relationship that we remember and ways in which our partner still is helpful which allow us to say we love our partner, but we are now cut off from our own feelings of tenderness and vulnerability and we become isolated in our relationship.

Next Week-What can be done to re-awaken our "feelings of love".

Relationship Tip of The Week #86-The Conversation-the challenge of gender

2011-12-04T07:44:00.003-05:00

In order to help facilitate "The Couple's Conversation", i am listing below some of the gender differences that contribute to making this process more challenging. Of course, not all men and women are alike and there are always exceptions to prove the rule; however, most of the elements listed below will be recognized by most couples.

1) Women are more comfortable having longer conversations which makes it frustrating for them when men want to end the discussion prematurely.

2) Men have less interest in many of the details that women want to share and want to get to the point or solve the problem.

3) Since men are not as comfortable with "our relationship" talks as women, they will often avoid or put off the discussions which feels very uncaring and unloving to women.

4) Men will respond more quickly with anger when hurt or cornered which makes it difficult for women to not become fearful.

5) Women will often respond with hurt and tears to conflict or accusations which cause men to shut down and withdraw as they are uncomfortable with sadness and feel guilty for causing their partner's pain.

6) It generally takes men longer to calm themselves down when their anger is activated making relationship repair more difficult for women as they usually want to re-establish the connection more quickly.

7) Men will focus on logic and women will zero in on emotion which leads both to feel frustrated when trying to have what each considers a resonable conversation.

Obviously, these differences have been present for a long time and will not likley disappear in the near future.

So what can you do?

I believe the simple recognition of these differences by each partner can help to minimize taking certain gender communication styles personally. Keeping these differences in the back of your mind will also allow you to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and utilize softer and more caring approaches when holding "The Conversation".

Next Week: Individuation

Relationship Tip of The Week #85-The Conversation-The Challenge of Consistency

2011-11-27T07:46:00.002-05:00

As most of us would agree. the challenge of consistency is one of the keys to developing any new skill. Whether it be sports, eating healthily, learning to use the computer, or communicating with your spouse, you must practice regularly until the skill becomes an integrated part of your life. Most skills do not come easily to most of us and it is not uncommon to give up or decide that we can't really succeed or it is a skill that is not too important. However, i think most of us would acknowledge that talking with our partner in an effective manner is a skill that is worth learning.

What can you do to overcome the challenge of consistency in speaking with and listening to your partner?

1) Speak with your partner about making a commitment to holding "The Couple's Conversation" at least once a week for three months. Recognize that it may be difficult and it is important that you support each other and keep your eye on the goal as you face the inevitable discomfort that comes with developing any new skill.
2) Read the blogs that i have written on this topic together and discuss them with one another before you start.
3) Set aside a certain time(no more than half an hour) each week with a back-up plan in case there is a legitimate reason to have to change the time.
4) Support and encourage each other after each session and look for the progress as well as the areas that may need more attention.
5) Do not criticize each other even if it goes poorly, but rather talk about the difficulty in staying with something that may be challenging or painful.
6) If you are running into stumbling blocks that you cannot overcome, set up a consultation with a therapist who specializes in this type of work.
7) Do not give into your own or your partner's desires to stop talking even when "The Conversation" goes poorly.
8) Remind each other that much of life that is worth while takes true effort.
9) Try to end each session with a heartfelt hug and kiss.

Relationship Tip of The Week #84-The Conversation-Attitude is Everything-Part 5

2011-11-13T07:18:00.002-05:00

This is a continuation of last week's blog:

So what other options do you have to overcome the challenges that interfere with your being the best possible listener or speaker that you can be in "The Conversation".

5) If your partner does the same thing of which he is accusing you, that doesn't mean your behavior doesn't bother him. If you want to act caring about your partner, your focus needs to be on ackowledging the discomfort he is experiencing and attempting to alleviate it if possible. If his behavior is similar, you can always ask that he pay attention to hearing your concerns but this is not the time to do it. If you do, your response will be seen as defensive and dismissive.

6) Yes, it is unfair that you have made requests to have your concerns addressed and your partner has not responded; however, this is not the time to point that out or use this to justify your not being responsive. What you can do in your relationship is to clean up your side of the street and be a model of the caring person that you would like your partner to be.

7) Of course it is frustrating to have made the same requests what may seem like a 100 times or in fact you have made the same concern known one hundred times; however, it in order to act in a caring manner, it is more helpful to take the approach that whatever you are presenting or behavioral change you are requesting is obviously difficult for your partner to give you for some reason unknown to you or perhaps to him. Exploring this is a caring manner rather than an accusing or adversarial approach will be much more inviting and may uncover what is needed for your partner to take you seriously and take action.

8) It is almost impossible not to get angry if you see your partner rolling his eyes or crossing his arms in front of his chest or pointing his finger towards you or turning away or not looking at you. In order to be the best speaker or listner, remind yourself how challenging it is for you to be open when you are being critiqued or being asked to do something that you think is unfair or being blamed for something you believe is untrue. Keep this in mind as you attempt over and over to truly put yourself in your spouse's shoes and see the issue from her perspective. This will help you to be more compassionate and not react so strongly to your partner's behavior and focus on how to continue "The Conversation" in a positive and effective way.

Next Week: The Challenge of Consistency

Relationship Tip of The Week #83-The Conversation-Attitude is Everything-Part 4

2011-11-06T08:16:00.002-05:00

So what can you do to overcome the challenges that interfere with your being the best possible listener or speaker that you can be in "The Conversation".

1) When you are flooded by impulses to respond angily to your partner's concerns or criticisms, take deep breaths and ask yourself how would you like your partner to respond to you if you were to share your concerns. Take more deep breaths, calm down and be the person you would like your partner to be for you.

2) While your partner's comments may make no sense to you, it is because you are not understanding how he/she has come to her/his view. When your partner is finshed, ask for help in gaining a clearer picture of how she/he has arrived at her/his perspective. This is not for the purpose of gathering information so that you can use it later in your rebuttal, but to create a sense of caring which takes place when one person truly tries to understnad another.

3) If you know you are already stressed and will have a hard time listening or presenting your concerns in a caring, respectul way, do not engage in "the conversation" but let your spouse know that it is because you are stressed and you do want to listen to her/him or speak with her/him at a time when you can be fully present.

4) When you haven't felt loved lately it is difficult to be loving or respond positively to someone who is angry or disappointed in you; however, ask yourself if you want to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say that you didn't give 100% to the relationship because it was hard or rather that when times were tough, you rose to the challenge and you continued to lead the way for a caring relationship even though it was not easy.

Next week: More on overcoming the challenges to being a caring partner when having "the conversation".

Relationship Tip of The Week #82-The Conversation-Attitude is Everything-Part 3

2011-10-23T08:35:00.003-04:00

Why is it so hard to maintain an attitude of caring when you are speaking with or listening to your partner about concerns in your relationship?
You start out with good intentions but as your partner speaks, you can't help but get angry and interrupt or talk over him/her to point out the error of what he/she is saying.

Let's take a look at the factors which make it so challenging to listen or speak with love.

1) The very nature of the conversation, no matter how well it is stated, will be experienced as a criticism of your behavior or the way you think. This will in turn stir up the reptilian part of your brain which will send adrenaline into your system to help protect you from what is now being perceived as a significant threat.
2) What your partner expresses makes no sense to you and it is hard to see it from her/his perspective.
3) You are already stressed out from work, the children or finances and this is pushing you over the edge.
4) You haven't felt very connected or loved lately by your spouse, so why should you stretch yourself to act caringly and listen to him/her.
5) Your partner does the same thing of which you are being accused.
6) You recently pointed out some of your concerns and they were ignored or the changes you requested weren't made.
7) You have raised this issue 100 times before and you are already annoyed that you have to bring it up again.
8) Your partner's body image is already indicating an unwillingness to take you seriously.

If you have any additional factors which impact upon you and would like to add, please e-mail them to me at victordancer@netzero.net and i will try to address them in my next post

Next week: How to meet these challenges and overcome them

Relationship Tip of The Week #81-The Conversation-Attitude is Everything-Part 2

2011-10-16T08:01:00.002-04:00

So what does a good attitude for the speaker sound like?

John Gottman, the foremost researcher on marriage in our country, called his approach to initiating a conversation about concerns in the relationship: "the soft start up".
Unfortunately, many people think that this means that you speak softly when you are expressing yourself. While it certainly helps to moderate your voice, the most important aspect of a successful conversation is again "the attitude" with which you approach your partner.

If you are already angry and on the edge of exploding because you have discussed the problem 100 times before without any success, it would be helpful to take some time by yourself to calm down. What do you want to accomplish? If it is to express anger and frustration, you will most likely not find a sympathetic ear. If it is to help your partner to understand why you are distressed about certain behaviors or interactions, than consider the following:

1) Remember before starting that this is the person that you love most of the time.
2) Can you start by giving the benefit of the doubt? Perhaps, despite your best efforts, there are reasons that your partner has not been able to respond to previous requests which either he/she or you do not fully understand.
3) If you do not want your partner to respond as an adversary, don't act like one. Keep the importance of the relationship foremost in your mind. This means that you may not get a resolution of your concerns immediately or that a compromise may be necessary.
4) If you want to be heard, it is best to ask for that before you start by requesting that your partner not respond or interrupt you; but take a few hours or a day to think about what you have said before getting back to you.
5) Communicate your willingness to be a good listener when your partner is ready to share with you about the topic you have raised.

Next Week-Why it is so hard to maintain a good attitude despite our best intentions

Relationship Tip of The Week #80-The Conversation-Attitude is Everything

2011-10-09T09:38:00.002-04:00

While I believe there are better ways to speak to one's partner than most of us utilize, the most important element in a successful "Conversation" is not the "psychologically correct" words, but rather your attitude.

Are you communicating anger, distrust, contempt even though you may be saying the right words or not yelling? Are you disgusted or feeling hopeless with your efforts to reach your spouse? Are you not really listening? Are you already formulating your answer or some form of defense to what your partner is sharing as he/she is still speaking? What does your body language say? Eyes rolling? Glazing over? Arms crossed? Not making eye contact?

Attitude is Everything.

So what does a good attitude for the listener look like?

When your partner is sharing, you make him/her the most important person(you put your own thoughts and feelings to the background while you listen). You want to know and understand what is of concern to the one you love. Why is she/he feeling a certain way? What can you do to help improve the situation? You want to ackowledge that your partner's experience is valid even though you may not understand it or agree with it. You want to just listen if that is what is being asked. If a response is being requested, you want to think before you talk and take time to consider your partner's point of view and not make a knee-jerk defensive comment. Your goal is to create a space in the relationship in which your partner ends up feeling you care and are trying to consider his/her concerns.

How do you know if you have been a successful listener?

Your partner tells you that she/he feels listened to and understood. This does not mean you agree with everything shared but you are not dismissing her/his point of view or negating her/his experience of your relationship.

Next Week: Good Attitude on the part of the speaker

Relationship Tip of the Week #79- The Conversation-Part 3

2011-09-25T08:28:00.003-04:00

So when should you hold the conversation? This is a double edged sword, as there never seems to be a "right time". If you are getting along and enjoying each other, why ruin the day. If you are bickering or arguing, a talk will only make it worse. On top of that many men have the belief; "If ain't broke don't fix it". Thus, if their wife is not complaining, they will rarely start a conversation to explore how their partner is feeling about the relationship.

Obviously, like going to the gym or doing anything which is difficult, you must make a commitment to follow through on a regualr basis despite your feelings at the moment. Set a day and time that works for both partners. Right before bed is rarely a good time as a challenging topic can cause a sleepless night. Early in the morning only works if both are early risers. Negotiate a time and then agree to try it for a month and evaluate if it is working after 4 talks. If it is not, try a new time for a month.

While it is important to be flexible if something comes up to prevent the conversation from being held at the agreed upon time, a substitute time should be agreed upon at that point, otherwise, another week may easily pass without talking about one another's concerns.

If one partner appears to be resistant to holding the conversation, it is important that the other partner be encouraging and supportive to moving forward rather than critical, angry or pointing out that this means there is no love or caring.

Next Week: Attitude Is Everything

Relationship Tip of the Week #78-The Conversation-Part 2

2011-09-17T08:20:00.005-04:00

It is my belief that the one skill a couple has to master to promote intimacy as well as protect the partners from divorce is "The Conversation". What does this actually look like?

At an agreed upon set time each week the couple holds a conversation(should not last longer than a half hour and if done regularly will most likely take only10-20 minutes). Each member has the opportunity to share concerns about the relationship, information about events or experiences that she/he may not have shared during the past week, and positive feelings and appreciation about which he/she may not have had time to let his/her partner know.

In theory,this sounds very simple;however, as you most likely know this is very difficult to actually do on a regular basis for a variety of reasons. Each week i will address a different aspect of holding a successful conversation and offer tips to help you become skilled in this form of communication which is one of the most loving acts that partners can offer to one another.

Next week-When to hold "The Conversation

Relationship Tip of the Week #77-The Couple's Dialogue-Shift in Expectations-Part 1

2011-09-13T18:00:00.005-04:00

In the 1950's the roles of men and women were very well defined and expectations were clear-men went to work and were providers; women took care of the children and were homemakers. In the 1970's, the women's movement advocated for equal job opportunities, pay and recognition of their economic contribution as homemakers. Men were not so eager to be liberated as they had always had the upper hand in terms of power and position in work and decision making in the family

As women became a larger part of the workforce, they began to expect men to do more around the house, play a greater role in caring for the children and to share decision making in the home equally. With a decrease in emotional support from family (people were living further and further away from their families of origin) community and religious institutions, women looked to men for a deeper emotional connection and a deeper level of contact and support.

Unfortunately, there has not been the necessary development of new skills and attitudes to achieve this new level of couple cooperation and caring. Over the next 12 weeks, I will be writing about the most important skill needed to promote stability and understanding in today's relationships as well as the challenges that must be met in order to change the ways men and women express their love and acceptance of one another.

Next Week-The Conversation

Relationship Tip of the Week #76-The Couple's Dialogue

2011-09-04T08:12:00.003-04:00

Over the next three months i will be writing about the one skill i believe is necessary for a successful relationship-The Couple's Dialogue. This is a weekly conversation between two partners in which each has the opportunity to express concerns about the relationship as well as sharing aspect's of one's life or experiences which help the partners to stay connected and know each other in an intimate way.
I will be addressing the following elements:

1) The evolution of couple's relationships since the 1950's and why we must make changes if we are to be succesful in maintaining a connection with our partner
2) When to hold the conversation
3) Attitude is everything
4) The challenge of consistency
5) The challenge of gender differences to this process
6) Listening and Understanding one's partner
7) The impact of our past on this process
8) The threat of differences
9) Individuation
10) Interdependence

Your comments are welcome

Relationship Tip of the Week #75-Gender Differences-Part 2

2011-06-19T08:14:00.003-04:00

As a woman, have you observed your partner's eyes glaze over only three or four minutes into a conversation in which you are trying to share something that has happened in your day or attempting to discuss a misunderstanding you are having in your relationship? As a man, do you hear yourself say in your mind,"Oh no, here she goes again" as your partner begins to talk.

The need to talk and the abilitiy to listen are areas in which gender differences seem to cause many clashes and frustation for both partners. Men want to get to the point. Women want to share the details of their lives. Men feel overwhelmed with too much information. Women feel more connected as they have a better picture of an event or experience.

So who is right? How can this struggle be solved?

As in most differences that exist in a couple, both are right for him/herself but wrong for the other. A compromise is best and is what is right for the couple.

Both need to stretch and grow themselves to show their understanding of their partner's needs.

Women have to appreciate that men are not personally rejecting them when they have trouble listening. Men have to appreciate that women are attempting to share their lives and the details with them and this is the way that they feel connected. If a woman approaches a man, she might give him the benefit of the doubt by starting softly and saying,"I know that this may be difficult to listen to but it is really important to me that i share this with you and i will keep it to five-ten minutes as i know that it can be challenging to listen for a longer period." A man can make a greater attempt to stay focused, knowing his wife will keep the sharing to a limited time period or say that he knows that what she is saying is important and if his attention starts to fade he will ask her to stop and then finish a little later on in the day.

More on gender differences in two weeks when i return from vacation

Relationship Tip of the Week #74-Gender Differences-Part 1

2011-06-12T08:49:00.003-04:00

Watch any stand up comic and eventually there will be a portion of the routine devoted to relationships and gender differences. If you haven't read "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus". you most likely have heard a reference to it and nodded your head in agreement with a comment on the struggle between men and women. How many times have you found yourself talking with a friend of the same sex about your partners and laughing or crying about living with someone of the opposite sex and how they think or act?

Why is it so difficult and challenging to bridge the gap that exists between the opposite sexes?
Why can't we just agree to disagree on some thiings and not fight about others?
Why does it feel like such a battle to pick a movie or what time of the day to make love?

Over the next several weeks, i will be writing about some obvious differences and some that are more subtle.
I would also be interested in getting feedback from those of you who read my blog regarding what you experience as the greatest challenges you face in your relationship with respect to gender.
please e-mail me at victordancer@netzero.net

Relationship Tip of the Week #73-part 3-steps to get in each other's corner

2011-05-29T07:52:00.002-04:00

Last week i explored some of the reasons it is so difficult to truly listen and be there for your partner. This week, i will list some of the steps that will help you overcome these challenges and form a relationship of trust and safety.

1) The first step is to understand that if you want a partner who is in your corner, you have to be in his/ or hers.
2) Approach your partner and ask if she/he experiences that you are there for her/him and have her/his back.
3) If yes, keep doing what ever you are doing. If not, ask why she/he believes and feels this way and of course listen without commenting-even take the time to write down the answer.
4) While this may very hard to do and the answer may not make any sense to you or hurt your feelings and your view of yourself, it is essential that you take the time to try to understand how your partner thinks and views the relationship and what his/her needs are.
5) If your partner asks whether you believe she/he has your back, this would be a good time to answer honestly. Take the time to explain how you have come to this view and try not to attack her/his character but focus on your needs and what it would take for you to feel safe and secure with her/him. If your partner does not ask at this time, approach her/him the next day and share your view at that time and ask her/him to listen and try to not comment but take time to process what you are saying.
6) Suggest that you each think about what one another has shared and agree to meet in a week and revisit this discussion. Talk about what you each can do to make at least one change that would demosnstrate a desire to create the relationship that you each want.
7) Meet weekly to review the efforts each are making and what further changes need to be done.
8) This is not an easy process and there are often slips and steps backwards but if you stick to the stucture of meeting once a week to focus on your efforts and stay open to one another's experience of each other, you will be taking a stand for a "loving relationship" that will be the foundation of a lasting partnership and friendship.

Next week-Gender issues

Relationship Tip of the Week #72-The Most Important Skill Needed To Create A Successful Relationship-part 2

2011-05-22T08:23:00.004-04:00

So why is it so hard to listen to your partner or to get in his/her corner?

1) Your partner may be expressing concerns that you interpret as threatening and cause an automatic defensive response.
2) Your partner may be asking for changes in behavior that may be challenging or asking you to give up ideas or behaviors that you believe will be very difficult to accomplish.
3) Your partner's views do not make any sense.
4) If your partner is angry it may be hard to hear the message since you are reacting to the tone or attitude.
5) You may be angry at your partner and not want to extend yourself.
6) You might believe that your partner does not make any effort to listen to your concerns and you do not want to be the only one listening or stretching yourself.
7) You may hold a view that your partner or yourself cannot change.

Try to examine each of these challenges and see which apply to you and your partner.

Next week, i will describe the steps that a couple can take to begin the process of establishing a relationship of real caring.

relationship tip of the week #71-The Most Important Skill Needed To Create A Successful Relationship-part 2

2011-05-22T08:23:00.001-04:00

Tip of the Week #71-The Most Important Skill Needed To Create A Successful relationship

2011-05-15T10:27:00.004-04:00

For the next several weeks i will be blogging about the most important skill that i believe a couple needs for a happy and successful relationship.

This is the ability to be in one another's corner; to give one another the feeling that you want him/her to feel free to come to you with any of her/his concerns about life and your relationship and that you will make the time to listen and to attempt to understand her/his point of view and to follow through with behavior to support each other if at all possible.

This seems pretty obvious and isn't that what marriage vows are all about? Where do we get off track? Why is it so hard to be there for one another?

Do you and your partner have this type of connection in your relationship? I encourage you to take a week thinking about your part. Does your partner believe that you are there for him/her? Would you be willing to ask and find out what he/she really thinks? Do you believe your partner is there for you?

In the coming weeks i will write about the challenges to accomplish this "feeling state" in your relationship and the steps you can take to begin to work towards achieving this goal.

Relationship Tip of the Week #70 Resolving Gridlock Part 2- Soothing each other

2011-04-17T08:22:00.003-04:00

Since discussing gridlocked issues can be very stressful, it is most helpful to take some time to soothe oneself and each other. Here are a few suggestions to help you and your partners to achieve a better frame of mind for helping make peace with the particular issue upon which you are focusing:

stop the discussion

take some time alone to do some deep breathing

stretch or exercise

find a personal image that helps the mind to let go

share some shoulder massage

do something you both enjoy

go for a walk together

After you have calmed yourselves down, you will be ready for next week's post:

End The Gridlock

Relationship Tip of the Week #69-Resolving Gridlock-part 1

2011-04-10T08:08:00.003-04:00

After attempting to uncover the dreams behind any impasse(which was discussed in last week's blog) you are ready for the next step. Step two to resolve a gridlocked issue: Each partner writes down his/her position on the issue to be discussed. Take time to note not only the issue itself but also the hidden dreams that you have been able to identify which help to explain why this is so important that you find it hard to compromise. Try to focus on your own needs and feelings and do not use your energy to negate your partner's position. Next each partner will get 15 minutes to express him/herself without any comment from the partner who becomes the designated listner. Keep in mind that in order to hold the attention of your partner, do not use this opportunity to sneak in criticisms of anticipated attacks on what you expect her/him to say as you are presenting your position. John Gottman in his book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", describes the listner's role in the following way: "Suspend judgement. Listen the way a friend would listen. Don't take your spouse's dream personally even though it clashes with one of yours. Don't spend your time thinking of rebuttals or ways to solve the problem. Your role is just to hear the dream and encourage your partner to explore it... The bottomline in getting past gridlock is not necessarily to become a part of each other's dreams(although your marriage will be enriched to the extent that you can) but to honor these dreams." Next week-Step 3-Soothing each other

Relationship Tip of the Week #68-Long Standing Issues-Part 2-Gridlock

2011-04-03T07:49:00.005-04:00

You want to have a child; your partner does not. You want to save money; your partner wants to spend. You want to raise your child in your religion; your partner is an atheist. These are the types of problems that can lead to divorce or at the very least, many long nights of arguing or silence. John Gottman, one of the foremost researchers on marriage in our country notes that all couples had 67% of the same issues present five years after his initial interview. These are caused by different needs or views of the world and cannot be easily worked out by compromise. So what's a couple to do? Gottman writes in one of his first books, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", that the first step is trying not to solve the problem but to move from gridlock to dialogue. He writes that in order "to navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand its cause". He believes that the impasse is a "sign that you have dreams for your life that aren't being addressed or respected by each other". These dreams are "the hopes, aspirations and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life." These dreams can be practical or profound and often may be layered one on top of the other; such as the desire to save money may be hiding a deeper need for security. Over the next four weeks, i will describe the steps necessary to address a gridlocked marital issue.

Relationship ip of the Week #67-Long Standing Issues-Part 1

2011-03-20T06:44:00.002-04:00

One of the most challenging problems for most couples is what to do about issues that have been part of the relationship for many years. These can be small irritating behaviors like leaving the cap off the toothpaste, forgetting to take out the garbage, coming home late for dinner or annoying eating habits. These can also be potential deal breakers such as whether to have children, major sexual differences, or addictions.

Today, i will address the former. So what does your partner do that annoys you and no matter how many times you have addressed it there is no change or any shift in behavior is short-lived? These are often deeply ingrained habits or ways of viewing the world that do not easily yield to reasonable requests or angy outbursts.

Here is my approach to this difficult challenge:

1) Since it is impossible to change another person, start by altering your own behavior and attitudes.
A) Calm yourself down-Is this issue as important to your overall happiness and well being as you are making it?
B) Give your partner the benefit of the doubt-perhaps the behavior in question is really difficult to change even though it appears to be a no-brainer to you.
C) Try a more positive approach in your requests. Ask with an open heart.
D) Do not give up when change does not occur immediately or there are relapses.
E) Look for ways to create new structures(set the clock ahead for lateness) or rituals(share a cup of coffee or tea after the garbage is taken out) which will encourage shifts in behavior.
F) Always reinforce any movement in the direction you are seeking with sincere expressions of warmth and love.
G) Thank your partner for the effort even though you believe that what you are asking is very simple and should require a minimum of energy.
H) Do not make it about whether your partner loves you.
I) Maintain your sense of humor.
J) Do not demean your partner's attempt to change even if it is not exactly what you requested.

Next Week-Deal Breakers

Relationship Tip of the Week #66-How To Avoid Resentment Buildup

2011-03-13T08:39:00.004-04:00

One little question and a lot of courage is all it takes to avoid one of the largest problems most couples face-Resentment Buildup.
How do you know when your partner's distance or irritability is being caused by some issue that he/she is not talking about. Besides if she/he is not talking, why ask for trouble-"If it ain't broke, don't fix it". Why ruin a good day or evening?
Unfortunately, when we do not talk to each other about the concerns in our relationship, symptoms begin to develop-distance, irritability, lack of sexual desire, addictive behaviors, depression or anxiety to name a few.
Take a deep breath, remember there is never a really a good time to talk about challenges, call up your courage and keep in mind that you are expressing your love and taking responsibility for attending to your realtionship and then ask:

Is there anything that you have not said to me this week that you are holding back or is troubling you?

Of course, the really hard part comes when your partner tells you a concern that is bothering him/her. Take another deep breath and whatever it is, thank her/him for sharing and say you will give it some thought and get back to him/her tomorrow. Even if you are not in agreement, you have helped the couple to have the opportunity to confront the problem rather than burying it and have it come back to "bite you" when you are least expecting it.

Next week: What about issues that are long standing and only cause fights when you try to talk about them.

Relationship Tip of the Week #65-How to end any arguement

2011-03-06T08:33:00.002-05:00

How many of us have found ourselves involved in what seems to be a neverending arguement? Or the same arguement for the umpteenth time? Yelling, screaming, and tears usually ending with one partner giving in simply to end what feels like torture.

One simple sentence can put an end to this destructive behavior that most couples experience with some regularity:

"I will take what you are saying into consideration and give it some thought and get back to you tomorrow."

Naturally, there has to be a sincere willingness to do what you are saying. What is the best way to go about it?

1) Take some time to cool down and let the neo cortex(adult thinking) part of your brain kick into gear.
2) Ask yourself honestly if what your partner is saying has any validity. Even if there is only part of what has been said that you can see; acknowlege to yourself what legitimate points he/she has made.
3) Try to think out of the box. Are there options that you have not considered?
4) Remember this is your life partner for whom you often have loving feelings.
5) Make sure that you get back to your partner the next day whether it seems to be the right time or not. Share what you have come up with and ask your partner to not respond until she/he has given some consideration to what you have presented and get back to you the next day.

Obviously, this slows down the interactive process and gives each partner a chance to think more clearly. While this may not solve your differences, it will give you a better chance for resolution because each person has time to deal with his/her own anger and respond with more thoughtful and loving responses.

Relationship Tip of the Week #64-on Being Right-Part 2-Alternatives

2011-02-13T09:04:00.005-05:00

So what are the best ways to defuse an "I'm Right and You're Wrong Situation" ?

1) If it is a disagreement over something relatively small like the day or time something took place, reframe the discussion by saying " we obviously remember it differently". If your partner insists that his/her version is correct; ask yourself why you are fighting over this relatively insignificant piece of information. If there is not a really good reason, simply say, well you could be right so i am not going to argue over this. Remember "it takes two to tangle" and if one lets go of the struggle the arguement ends.

2) If the diasgreement is about something that seems more important like financial or career decisions, you can shift the discussion, by saying, "clearly we have two different views and each believes we are right. How about you go first and present your points and i will listen without interrupting and then when you are finished, i will present my points and then lets take a day to consider the possibility of compromise, alternative choices or a change in one of our ways of thinking and then revisit it tomorrow and see where we are".

3) If each of you feel very strongly about her/his belief and there is no movement towards one of the views or a middle ground, it is best to state "it appears we are stuck or at an impasse". Suggest that you take a week off and then revisit the impasse. If you are still stuck, it is important to ackowledge that each of you feel stongly about his/her position but fighting or trying to convince each other about who is right and who is wrong can only lead to distancing and disconnection. This may not solve the immediate situation but stepping back sometimes puts a situation in perspective or it may resolve due to circumstances beyond either person's control.

However, there are long standing impasses or differences which appear to be unresolvable and feel like "dealbreakers". I will write about these in next week's blog.

Relationship Tip of the Week #63-On Being Right-Part 1- The Problem

2011-02-06T10:41:00.005-05:00

Is there anyone who doesn't like "being right". It is so satisfying, so validating. You knew it all along. Even though your partner kept arguing with you. It is hard not to gloat.; to say "I told you so".
And yet, in a relationship there is a price to pay. "Being right" rarely brings your partner closer to you. Why is that? Because "being wrong" feels really bad and your partner now sees you as the one responsible for causing those feelings.
So what are you supposed to do? Not stand up for yourself and your beliefs or the facts? Agree with your partner when in your heart or head you know he/she is wrong? What if you don't get your partner to see the error in her/his thinking? It could have a very negative impact on your relationship in many important ways: mistakes in child rearing, finances, career choices or lesser issues such as an unhappy evening out or a poor choice in what to order for dinner or where to go for the winter vacation.
How often have you spent the evening in a hostile debate that started about what day such and such happened or who said what or the exact time someone came home?
Tune in next week when i will be discussing some of the most effective approaches for dealing with this challenging part of being a couple.

Relationship Tip of the Week #62-10 Ways to Become Healthier as a Couple-Part 2

2011-01-23T07:57:00.004-05:00

This week i am continuing with numbers 6-10 from Michelle Schoffro Cook's suggestions for ways to become healthier as a couple:

6) "Give each other a foot rub. Pressure points in our feet correspond to organs, glands and tissues in the rest of our bodies. By activating these points in your partner's feet, you're helping them with whole-body healing. Find a sore spot? Gently massage that point a bit longer."
7) "Share a pot of herbal tea instead of soda or other less-than-healthy beverages. Choose acai berry for a healing antioxidant blast, ginseng for energy, peppermint for a refreshing boost or licorice root to boost your immune system. Tea is so much nicer when it's shared."
8) "Regularly share words of support and encouragement. Making health changes can be challenging sometimes. Simply sharing words of praise and encouragement can make our days a little bit brighter."
9) "Take a moment out of your hectic schedule to meditate together. Meditation is an opportunity to release tension, become mindful of ourselves and the person we share life with."
10) "Do stretching exercises together. A partner can help us get a bit deeper into that stretch. There are some excellent books and videos that can show you how to do couples' yoga or other stretches together."

Relationship Tip of the Week #61-10 ways to become healthier as a couple-part 1

2011-01-19T17:03:00.002-05:00

I recently came accross ten suggestions for becoming a healthier couple on a blog written by Michelle Schoffo Cook and thought they would be of interest to my readers. Here are the first five:

1) "Start a detox program together. Many toxins produce hormone-like effects that alter our delicate hormone balance, making us vulnerable to mood swings, irritability, depression and other health concerns. By detoxifying together you'll have the support you need to stick to it."
2) "Give each other a full body massage. Not only will it improve your circulation and relax your muscles, it is an intimate way to become closer."
3) "Hit the sauna together to eliminate toxins while sweating. Many harmful toxins exit the body though our pores in sweat. Sauna-ing healps our bodies to eliminate them faster".
4) "Prepare nutritious meals to support your health goals. By sharing the workload, you'll find it easier to prepare healthy meals. And, you may find you enjoy trying new cuisines".
5) "Instead of slouching on the couch after dinner, go for a brisk walk to oxygenate your blood. Exercising with a partner is more fun and keeps you going."

Relationship Tip of the Week #60-One person can make a difference

2011-01-10T08:37:00.003-05:00

It is easy for couples to get into impasses in which each believes that the other is not making an effort and then stops making any efforts to foster positive experiences in the relationship. In order to break the logjam of negative feelings and hopelessness that can arise, i would suggest the following experiment for the new year:

1) Pick one of your behaviors that you know is challenging for your partner or you have received many requests to change.
2) Think about how changing your behavior might impact the relationship
3) Make a committment to yourself to alter this behavior for the next month whether or not your partner is making any changes to improve the relationship
4) Do not tell your partner that you are doing this
5) Notice if you see any shifts in your partners attitude or behavior over the next month and keep a record of it
6) Keep a record of your own changes in behavior and write a few sentences about how difficult it is to follow through on a day to day basis especially if you get angry at your partner

Relationship Tip of the Week #59-Being the Best PartnerYou Can Be-Part 7 - Listen with an open heart and open mind

2010-12-30T18:55:00.003-05:00

How easy is it to listen to your partner with an open heart and mind? Depends on what is being discussed. Naturally, it is hardest to listen when it is something about you or something you have done or not done.

Listening with an open mind

1) Consider that although it is hard to face and you are near perfect, your partner's concern may be valid.
2) Do not jump to conclusions-keep an open mind until you have heard all the information and taken some time to consider it.
3) Your partner may know more about you than you realize
4) We all have blind spots
5) Just keeping an open mind to your partner may be enough to re-establish your connection

Listening with an open heart

1) Remember, this is the person you love not the enemy
2) Keeping your heart open will reassure your partner that you are not the enemy
3) It was probably just a few minutes before this conversation when you felt happy to be with your partner
4) An open heart makes even the most difficult situation easier
5) Love is what you both want and whatever is being said is only taking a moment in time

Relationship Tip of the Week #58-Being the Best Partner You Can Be-Part 6

2010-12-24T07:52:00.002-05:00

Express your concerns about the relationship in non threatening ways-definitely easier said than done. Whether you speak softly or loudly, accusing or accetping responsibillity for part of what does not seem right to you, your partner knows that you are unhappy about something and it has to do in part with his/her behavior or attitude. Thus, no matter how you frame it, your concerns will most likely be interpreted in some way as an attack-especailly if your partner believes that she/he has been working really hard to meet your needs.

That said, there are some steps you can take that will enhance the chances of reaching your partner:

1) Wait until you have examined your own frustration or anger about the particular issue before approaching your partner and you have taken time to calm yourself down.
2) Be prepared for a defensive response no matter how you present your concerns.
3) Be prepared to listen to your partner's explanations without getting defensive yourself.
4) Start out by saying that you know it might be hard for your partner to hear what you are saying and you would like him/her to at least hear you out before responding
5) Try to be concise and to the point. The longer you talk the harder it is for your partner to listen.
6) Try to give them the benefit of the doubt.
7) If you are asking for some change, try to be specific about what it is that she/he could do that would make you feel more connected or loved
8) If your partner does become defensive, ask that she/he take a day to think about what you have presented and than talk about it the following day when you are both calm.

Relationship Tip of the Week #57-Being The Best Partner You Can Be-Find fun Activities to share-Part 5

2010-12-19T10:04:00.003-05:00

In today's world of both partners working, increasing financial pressures as well as the demands of being good parents, it is very easy for the couple's connection to be put on the back burner.

How often do you make time for just the two of you?
Are there activities that you both enjoy and can share together?
When was the last time that you were relaxed and felt close to one another?

In my opinion, spending alone time at least once a week is the minimum for maintaining a strong connection. I have often heard couples complain that they do not share the same interests. It has always been hard for me to believe with all the hobbies, activities and options for learning and playing that exist in our society that a couple who wants to develop a shared interest cannot find one.

Try this exercise if you are having trouble agreeing on something to do together:

Separately, each person write down twenty activities that he/she would like to do as a couple.
When finished sit down and compare your lists. Obviously, if there are any matches, you have a starting point. If there are no matches, ask if your partner would be willing to give at least one or two of your choices a try and you offer to do the same.
If you still have not agreed on an activity, then each take the next week to come up with twenty more experiences that you would like to try. Do research on the internet, ask friends and family what they like to do for fun. Allow yourself to be creative.
Most importantly do this with a positive spirit and willingness to have a good time with your partner.

Relationship Tip of the Week #56-Being the Best partner You Can Be-Understand your own defensiveness-Part 4

2010-12-12T09:53:00.003-05:00

Even the best communication regarding some issue with which your partner is unhappy, can cause you to become defensive. Why is that? If you are being the best partner you can be, wouldn't you want to know what distresses your partner so you can try to address it and alleviate any pain that she/he might be experiencinng.

Unfortunately, the human brain does not work that way. Any criticism or unhappiness is first experienced as an attack on our being. The reptilian part of our brain warns us that we have to protect ourselves and that instinctual message is sent before the neo-cortex part of our brain can remind us that this is not an attack on our life but simply our partner wanting some help for her/his distress.

What we can do about this automatic response that usually is the beginning of an unsatisfying arguement?

1) Use the age old suggestion of counting to 10 before responding. This allows you to get your neo-cortex in gear and remind yourself that this person with whom you are about to go to war, is our partner whom you were loving just moments ago and not your mortal enemy.
2) Ask yourself why i am getting so upset about my partner's opinion or wishes. I do not have to do anything about what she/he is saying at this moment. I can take sometime to think about it. If it is a criticism or request for change, this does not mean that he/she no longer love you or will never love you agian
3) Is there any truth to what your partner is saying. Take some time to take an honest look at what you might be doing to contribute to the issue that is being raised. This is very difficult but can be accomplished with practice.
4) Think about your own insecurity and your need for other's approval in order to feel okay. Is this what is fueling your defensiveness.
5) Does your sensitivity to criticism come in part from too many negative messages from your parents or early caregivers or teachers?
6) Consider that your partner is only one person in the world and her/his opinion or displeasure may be also caused by some stresses other than your behavior of which he/she may not be aware and your willingness to listen may be all that is needed.

Relationship Tip of the Week #55-Being the Best Partner You Can Be-Giving the benefit of the doubt-Part 3

2010-12-05T08:35:00.003-05:00

How many of us really give our partner the benefit of the doubt? Often as a result of many negataive experiences with our partner around certain issues we begin to assume the worst when similar situations arise. This is certainly normal as no one wants to be taken for a fool or be hurt for the umpteenth time. Why shouldn't we protect ourselves? We aren't the ones at fault.

The problem with this approach of guilty until proven innocent is that it is almost guaranteed to cause the opposite of what we want. What we really want is for our partner to be honest with us and stop the particular behavior that we are finding hurtful.

So what can you do?

1) Calm yourself down before confronting your partner. Remind yourself that this is the person who you love and who loves you even though his/her behavior may not support that feeling in the moment.
2) Consider that the particular behavior may be more complicated than you are aware. Your partner may have an addiction, or mental illness or an unconscious or subconscious behavior pattern of which she/he is not fully aware.
3) Take a position of being your partner's best friend rather than prosecutor, judge and jury.
4) Consider that your partner may also be in pain and not have a decent way of expressing it
5) If you want your partner to be honest, you have to be willing to hear his/her point of view even if it sounds like an excuse or an unwillingness to take responsibility for his/her behavior
6) Ask yourself what is my goal in confronting this situation. How will i accomplish it?

If you have a more caring attitude going into your conversation, you will be better able to use some of these phrases as starting points for giving "the benefit of the doubt".

1) "You may have not realized that what you did was hurtful to me."
2) "You may not have remembered that i spoke with you about this before."
3) "I know that what i may be asking may be hard for you to do."
4) "Perhaps i was not clear about this issue in the past,"
5) "I do not believe that you would want to do something hurtful on purpose."
6) "I know that this is a touchy subject which we do not seem to have fully resolved."

Relationship Tip of the Week #54-Being The Best Partner You Can Be-Part 2

2010-11-28T07:57:00.002-05:00

This week i am listing the behaviors and attitudes that i believe are a part of the essence of "Being the best partner you can be":

1) Give your partner the benefit of the doubt-don't assume the worst
2) When your partner expresses his/her concerns, listen with an open heart and mind
3) Explore and understand your own defensiveness
4) Whenever possible be inviting rather than demanding
5) Express your concerns about the relationship in non threatening ways
6) Take the time to understand how your partner thinks and feels
7) Put time, energy and love into your partnership on a daily basis
8) Find fun activities to share together
9) Be honest
10) Be willing to face your differences and find creative ways to either solve them or live with them in love and tolerance.

In the following ten weeks, i will describe each of the above in more detail.

Relationship of the Week #53-Being the Best Partner You Can Be-Part 1

2010-11-21T09:17:00.002-05:00

All to often in our relationships, it is far easier to focus your attention on what is not being given to you or how one's partner is acting. In this four part series of posts, i will offer my view of the most effective way to change a relationship-Being The Best partner You Can Be

This can be very confusing at times since it is not always clear what this means and how to carry it out effectively. I will first list what it is not:

1) Doing whatever your partner wants
2) Giving into requests that go against the core of your value system
3) Basing it soley on your partner's view of how you should act
4) Trying to anticipate your partner's needs
5) Putting yourself second
6) Enabling your partner's addictive behaviors

Next week, i will talk about what i consider to be the essence of "Being The Best Partner You can Be"

Relationship Tip of the Week #52-Its the Little Things That Count-Part 3

2010-11-13T09:36:00.003-05:00

You know that it would help to follow through on my suggestions for positive interaction in the previous two blogs but you are stuck. What can you do?

Overcoming Your Resistance

1) Start with a small committment-Do one of the actions for a week
2) Think of these behaviors as an experiment; not something you will have to do forever-if they work you can continue, if not you can try something else.
3) Imagine how you would feel if your partner was initiating these actions and whether it would stimulate loving feelings in you.
4) By following through when angry or hurt, you will be able to demonstrate to yourself that you do not have to be controlled by your emotions and model this behavior to your partner.
5) Consider that every positive action you make in your relationship is letting your partner know that you condider him/her a priority in your life

Next week-Being the Best Partner You Can Be

Relationship Tip of the Week #51-It's the little things that count-Part 2

2010-11-07T07:01:00.002-05:00

Last week i listed three simple actions that are almost guaranteed to improve your relationship and yet i am guessing that most of you were not able to follow through on these suggestons consistently or even at all.

Why is this so difficult?

1) Hurt and Anger-Once your partner disappoints you or does something which stimulates your anger, it is very difficult to remember to do the "little things" or if you do remember it is hard to give something to someone who has evoked emotional pain.
2) "Why am I the only one who is giving?" It is normal to feel angry if your partner is not giving anything back to you.
3) "I will teach him/her a lesson so she/he can see how it feels"-It makes sense when you are angry to hold back to see if your partner realizes what is missing or being taken for granted.
4) These behaviors feel articifical, awkward and corny.
5) If your relationship has been suffering for a long time and you have feelings of despair about ever feeling loved or cared for it is hard to believe that activities that are so simple could really have an impact when the problems you face and the differences that have emerged are so great.

How can you overcome these challenging feelings? Next week i will conclude with a post on overcoming your resistance to being the best partner you can be.

Relationship Tip of the Week #50-It's the little things that count

2010-10-31T08:37:00.002-04:00

What have you done in the last week to improve or strengthen your relationship? It is so easy to take our relationship and our partner for granted. With just a minimum of effort we can help our loved one to feel special. Here are three simple skills that will enhance your connection:

1) Share one thing each day which you appreciate about your partner or what your partner brings to the relationship
2) Give three or four spontaneous hugs a day(minimum of six seconds)
3) Make contact once a day when separated and let him/her know that you love her/him

Next week, i will talk about what makes these simple activities so hard to do on a consistent basis

Relationship tip of the week #49-Couple's concerns during a fight

2010-07-18T10:05:00.004-04:00

This week i am posting an article describing recent research on couple's fights. While the data may not be surprising, i think that reading it and reminding yourself what you are really fighting about may be helpful in ending or recovering from an arguement more quickly.

Science News

Study Identifies Couples Underlying Concerns During a Fight

ScienceDaily (June 26, 2010)

A new Baylor University study has found that there are two fundamental underlying concerns when partners in a committed relationship fight.

Dr. Keith Sanford, associate professor of psychology and neuroscience at Baylor, has not only identified the underlying concerns, he also has developed a specific method to measure them.
Sanford and his research have identified the first type of underlying concern as perceived threat, which involves a perception that one's partner is being hostile, critical, blaming or controlling.
The second type of concern is called perceived neglect, which involves a perception that one's partner is failing to make a desired contribution or failing to demonstrate an ideal level of commitment or investment in the relationship.
The results appear in the American Psychological Association's journal Psychological Assessment.
"When people have underlying concerns about a perceived threat or perceived neglect, they may be likely to engage in reflexive, emotionally charged behavior that can initially serve to escalate the conflict," Sanford said. "This means that perceived threat and neglect should correlate with how couples communicate during conflict. Each type of concern is associated with a specific and distinct set of emotions and perceptions."
Another result, Sanford believes, is that concerns regarding perceived neglect may be best resolved when a person receives an apology and then decides to forgive. In contrast, a person concerned about a perceived threat may be more interested in receiving demonstrations of deference, expressions of appreciation, and reductions in hostility.
Sanford and his research team also have created an assessment tool to measure these two underlying concerns. The Couples Underlying Concern Inventory is a questionnaire measuring the two basic types of underlying concern that couples experience during episodes of conflict. This study provides initial evidence supporting the validity of the assessment.
Sanford said the results suggest that an assessment of underlying concerns can provide important information about how a respondent is viewing a conflict interaction. He also said the results support the feasibility of encouraging people to express emotion when they perceive neglect but raise some doubts about the feasibility of this approach in situations where the underlying concern involves a perceived threat.

Relationship tip of the week #48-Seeking to Pre-empt Marital Strife

2010-07-11T07:51:00.002-04:00

This week I am posting an article that reviews some of the attempts around our country to help people with their relationship before probelms become overwhelming and beyond repair.

Seeking to Pre-empt Marital Strife

By TARA PARKER-POPE
Stuart Bradford

Does your marriage need therapy? If you’re like most people, the correct answer may well be yes, but your answer is probably no.
In most marriages, one or both partners resist the idea of counseling. Some can’t afford it, or find it inconvenient. And many view therapy as a last resort — something only desperate couples need. Only 19 percent of currently married couples have taken part in marriage counseling; a recent study of divorcing couples found that nearly two-thirds never sought counseling before deciding to end the relationship.
“It seems like we’re even more resistant to thinking about getting help for our relationship than we are for depression or anxiety,” said Brian D. Doss, an assistant psychology professor at the University of Miami. “There’s a strong disincentive to think about your relationship as being in trouble — that’s almost admitting failure by admitting that something isn’t right.”
Marriage counseling does not always work, of course — perhaps because it is so often delayed past the point of no return. One recent study of two types of therapy found that only about half the couples reported long-lasting improvements in their marriages.
So researchers have begun looking for ways (some of them online) to reach couples before a marriage goes off the rails.
One federally financed study is tracking 217 couples taking part in an annual “marriage checkup” that essentially offers preventive care, like an annual physical or a dental exam.
“You don’t wait to see the dentist until something hurts — you go for checkups on a regular basis,” said James V. Córdova, an associate professor of psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Mass., who wrote “The Marriage Checkup” (Jason Aronson, 2009). “That’s the model we’re testing. If people were to bring their marriages in for a checkup on an annual basis, would that provide the same sort of benefit that a physical health checkup would provide?”
Although Dr. Córdova and colleagues are still tallying the data, preliminary findings show that couples who take part in the program do experience improvements in marital quality. By working with couples before they are unhappy, the checkup identifies potentially “corrosive” behaviors and helps couples make small changes in communication style before their problems spiral out of control. (Typical problems include lack of time for sex and blaming a partner for the stresses of child rearing.)
“Couples won’t go to marital therapy with just the one thing that they are struggling with,” Dr. Córdova said. “So they end up struggling in places where the fix might be simple, it’s just that they themselves are blind to it.”
Not surprisingly, some therapists are creating online self-help programs to reach couples before serious problems set in. Dr. Doss and Andrew Christensen, a psychology professor at the University of California, Los Angeles, are recruiting couples at www.OurRelationship.com to study such a program.
The online study, financed by a five-year $1.2 million grant from the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development, will deliver online therapy to 500 couples. It is based on “acceptance therapy,” which focuses on better understanding of a partner’s flaws — a technique described in “Reconcilable Differences” (Guilford Press, 2002), by Dr. Christensen and Neil S. Jacobson.
The method, formally called integrative behavioral therapy, was the subject of one of the largest and longest clinical trials of couples therapy. Over a year, 134 highly distressed married couples in Los Angeles and Seattle received 26 therapy sessions, with follow-up sessions every six months for the next five years.
Half the couples received traditional therapy that focused on better communication and problem solving, while the others took part in a similar program that included acceptance therapy. Five years after treatment, about half the marriages in both groups were significantly improved, according to the study, which appeared in the April issue of The Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. Dr. Christensen says about a third of the subjects could be described as “normal, happy couples,” a significant improvement considering how distressed they were at the start. (The couples who received acceptance therapy had better results after two years, but both types of therapy were about equal by the end of the study.)
The hope is that an online version of the program could reach couples sooner, and also offer booster sessions to improve results. Even so, Dr. Christensen notes that the disadvantage of online therapy is that it won’t give couples a third party to referee their discussion.
“Nobody thinks it’s going to replace individual therapy or couples therapy,” he said. “There’s generally a sense that the intervention might be less powerful, but if it’s less powerful but is easily administered to many more people, then it’s still a very helpful treatment.”
Researchers at Brigham Young University offer an extensive online marital assessment, called Relate, for couples and individuals. The detailed questionnaire, at www.relate-institute.org, takes about 35 minutes to complete and generates a lengthy report with color-coded graphs depicting a couple’s communication and conflict style, how much effort each partner puts into the relationship, and other things. The fee is $20 to $40.
Australian researchers are using the same assessment, along with a DVD and telephone education program called Couple Care, found at www.couplecare.info, to reach families in remote areas who don’t have access to traditional therapy. The Utah and Australia researchers have begun a randomized, controlled trial of about 300 couples to determine the effectiveness of the approach.
Preliminary data show that couples reported improvement, but Kim Halford, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Queensland, St. Lucia, in Australia, said more study of long-term effects was needed.
Dr. Halford notes that as more couples meet through Web dating services, the appeal of online couples counseling may increase. “If information technology is integral to how you began your relationship,” he said, “then if therapy is required it’s not surprising that they would look to online technology.”

Relationship tip of the week #47-"The Ideal Relationship"

2010-06-27T07:22:00.002-04:00

I was asked the other day what is my definition of "the ideal relationship". So here it is:

Two partners who are committed to help each other to have the best possible lives while respecting each other's differences.

This is obviously not so easy to do as what might help one person to have a good life may create pain for the other and thus raises many questions and challenges. Who should make the sacrifice and when do you take care of yourself versus helping your partner? What does the best possible life mean anyway? How can you respect each other's differences if your partner has an addiction?

If you have any thoughts or feedback about the challenges of a committed relationship, please e-mail me at victordancer@netzero.net and i will write more about this topic in the next few weeks.

Relationship tip of the week #46-5 steps to help deal wih solvable problems-Part 2

2010-06-07T07:14:00.002-04:00

John Gottman in his book, "7 principles to make marriage work" lists 5 steps that he believes significantly help couples to deal with their solvable problems.
It is important to note that these behaviors and techniques are not complicated but ways of relating that we already utilize-with friends but have stopped using with our partners.

1) Soften your start up
2) Learn to make and receive repair attempts
3) Soothe yourself and each other
4) Compromise
5) Be tolerant of each other's faults

Over the next 5 weeks, i will write in more detail about each of these appraoches to solvable problems.

Relationship tip of the week #45-Solvable or Unsolvable Problems?-Part I

2010-05-30T08:02:00.003-04:00

According to John Gottman's research there are two types of problems that all couples face-Solvable or Unsolvable. His statistics from numerous studies indicate that unfortunately 69% fall into the latter category. Today's post will focus on how to tell the difference between the two types.

Unsolvable, gridlocked or perpetual prolems are characterized by:
1) The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner
2) You keep talking about it but make no headway
3) You become entrenched in your positons and are unwilling to budge
4) When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustated and hurt
5) Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement or affection
6) As you become more rooted in your position, you become more polarized and exteme in your view and unwilling to compromise
7) Eventaully you disengage from each other emotionally

Solvable Problems:
1) These are less painful, gut wrenching or intense than perpetual probelms
2) These usually focus on a particular dilemma or situation
3) There is no underlying conflict that is fueling the dispute

(The above material is taken from John Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work" which has an excellent and in depth discussion of these problems

Next week we will look at Solvable Probelms and how to best work with them.

Relationship tip of the week #44-What is a True Compromise

2010-05-23T10:17:00.003-04:00

What is a true compromise? Many of my clients will often say that they are the one doing all the compromising in the relationship. I tell them that there is a difference between compromising and giving in. If you are the only one doing all of the compromising than you are giving in.
A real compromise is when both parties agree to move their position towards their partner's and both partners get some of what they want and give up or do something that they did not want to. A true compromise leave both partners somewhat satisfied and somewhat dissatisfied as it is done in the service of the couple and not the individual. Of course, when the couple benefits and becomes strenthened, the individuals also gain from being a member of a unit that works together and attempts to avoid power struggles.
I will be blogging more about compromise in the next few weeks as i turn my attention to the difference between solvable and unsolvable problems and how to work with them.

Relationship tip of the week #43-Romantic songs set the mood

2010-05-02T09:37:00.002-04:00

Just as a romantic movie can help a couple to set the mood for romance, so can romantic songs.

Here is a list of songs suggested by some of my colleagues and a couple of my own;

1) Fly me to the Moon by Frank Sinatra
2) Moondance by Van Morrison
3) Just Breathe by Pearl Jam
4) At Last by Etta James
5) You are the best thing by Ray Lamontagne
6) Have I told you Lately that I love you by Van Morrison
7) You are so beautiful-Joe Cocker
8) Just the Two of Us by Grover Washngton Jr and Bill Withers
9) Since I Fell For Yoy by Lenny Welch
10) Close to You by The Carpenters

Do you have a favorite romantic song, please e-mail me at victordancer@netzero.net and i
will be back next week with more songs to put you "In The Mood"

Relationship tip of the week #42-28 "Is Marriage Good For Your Health"

2010-04-25T08:53:00.002-04:00

A recent article in the New York Times posed the question. "Is Marriage Good for your health". While most of the research has always indicated that those who are married are healthier than those who are not, the latest research seems to indicate that the quality of the marriage is a key factor for those who reap the benefits of marriage and those who do not. I have posted the first page of the article and if it catches your interest click on the the link to the remaining pages as it is quite long but well worth reading. Hopefully, it will encourage you to take your marriage seriously and give it the attention necessary to strenthen your immune system rather than to damage it with arguements and negative tension.

Is Marriage Good for Your Health?

By TARA PARKER-POPE
Published: April 12, 2010

In 1858, a British epidemiologist named William Farr set out to study what he called the “conjugal condition” of the people of France. He divided the adult population into three distinct categories: the “married,” consisting of husbands and wives; the “celibate,” defined as the bachelors and spinsters who had never married; and finally the “widowed,” those who had experienced the death of a spouse. Using birth, death and marriage records, Farr analyzed the relative mortality rates of the three groups at various ages. The work, a groundbreaking study that helped establish the field of medical statistics, showed that the unmarried died from disease “in undue proportion” to their married counterparts. And the widowed, Farr found, fared worst of all.
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Farr’s was among the first scholarly works to suggest that there is a health advantage to marriage and to identify marital loss as a significant risk factor for poor health. Married people, the data seemed to show, lived longer, healthier lives. “Marriage is a healthy estate,” Farr concluded. “The single individual is more likely to be wrecked on his voyage than the lives joined together in matrimony.”
While Farr’s own study is no longer relevant to the social realities of today’s world — his three categories exclude couples living together, gay couples and the divorced, for instance — his overarching finding about the health benefits of marriage seems to have stood the test of time. Critics, of course, have rightly cautioned about the risk of conflating correlation with causation. (Better health among the married sometimes simply reflects the fact that healthy people are more likely to get married in the first place.) But in the 150 years since Farr’s work, scientists have continued to document the “marriage advantage”: the fact that married people, on average, appear to be healthier and live longer than unmarried people.
Contemporary studies, for instance, have shown that married people are less likely to get pneumonia, have surgery, develop cancer or have heart attacks. A group of Swedish researchers has found that being married or cohabiting at midlife is associated with a lower risk for dementia. A study of two dozen causes of death in the Netherlands found that in virtually every category, ranging from violent deaths like homicide and car accidents to certain forms of cancer, the unmarried were at far higher risk than the married. For many years, studies like these have influenced both politics and policy, fueling national marriage-promotion efforts, like the Healthy Marriage Initiative of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. From 2006 to 2010, the program received $150 million annually to spend on projects like “divorce reduction” efforts and often cited the health benefits of marrying and staying married.
But while it’s clear that marriage is profoundly connected to health and well-being, new research is increasingly presenting a more nuanced view of the so-called marriage advantage. Several new studies, for instance, show that the marriage advantage doesn’t extend to those in troubled relationships, which can leave a person far less healthy than if he or she had never married at all. One recent study suggests that a stressful marriage can be as bad for the heart as a regular smoking habit. And despite years of research suggesting that single people have poorer health than those who marry, a major study released last year concluded that single people who have never married have better health than those who married and then divorced.
All of which suggests that while Farr’s exploration into the conjugal condition pointed us in the right direction, it exaggerated the importance of the institution of marriage and underestimated the quality and character of the marriage itself. The mere fact of being married, it seems, isn’t enough to protect your health. Even the Healthy Marriage Initiative makes the distinction between “healthy” and “unhealthy” relationships when discussing the benefits of marriage. “When we divide good marriages from bad ones,” says the marriage historian Stephanie Coontz, who is also the director of research and public education for the Council on Contemporary Families, “we learn that it is the relationship, not the institution, that is key.”
Some of today’s most interesting research on the relationship between marriage and health is being led by a pair of researchers at Ohio State University College of Medicine. The duo, Ronald Glaser and Jan Kiecolt-Glaser, are also, fittingly, married to each other.
Glaser and Kiecolt-Glaser’s scholarly collaboration has its roots in a chance encounter during a faculty picnic in October 1978 on the Ohio State campus. Glaser, who is a viral immunologist, spotted an attractive woman standing with members of the psychiatry faculty. Although their eyes met only briefly, he caught a glimpse of her name tag. Intrigued, he tried to track her down, calling the psychiatry department chairman to ask if he knew a petite blonde on staff with a name like “Pam Kiscoli.” The department chairman figured out that Glaser was talking about a new assistant professor named Jan Kiecolt. Glaser and Kiecolt eventually met for lunch at the university’s hospital cafeteria. They married a year later, in January 1980.

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/18/magazine/18marriage-t.html

Relationship tip of the week #41-28 days to a healthier relationship

2010-04-03T08:42:00.004-04:00

It is spring. It is time for growth and awakening and what could be better than making your relationship a priority for the next month . Click on the link below and you will be viewing a simple but excellent slide show from health.com on how to make the next 28 days a way to stimulate the positive energy in your partnership.

http://www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20340365,00.html?xid=united-online

Relationship tip of the week #40-Hold Me Tight-The Very Best Investment

2010-03-28T10:22:00.003-04:00

This week i am featuring a blog by Sue Johnson that i think you will find informative and interesting from both emotional and financial points of view.

Hold Me Tight
How to feel truly loved by your partner via principles of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy.
by Sue Johnson

Sue Johnson is Director of the Ottawa (Canada) Couple and Family Institute and the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy. Her latest book is Hold Me Tight.
The Very Best Investment
Investing in your primary relationship builds value & pays big dividends
Published on February 11, 2010

What does the fact that the stock market has fallen mean for families, for couple relationships?
"Love conquers everything except poverty and toothache", Mae West said. We know that financial stress drags marriages down. Money and how to manage it is a sure source of conflict in many couple relationships - and this was clear even before the last market melt down. A 2006 study in Money magazine found that 15% of couples fought about money several times a month. Even in strong marriages, stressors such as job losses, salary cuts or working longer hours can trigger angry outbursts of frustration or numbed out silences that quickly take a marriage into the danger zone.Do we even have time for building a resilient marriage anymore? As financial and career pressures increase, giving time and attention to your marriage also gets harder and harder. Just as we all need a little more loving consolation and support from our partner, it seems to be harder to find.
But some relationships seem to be able to weather storms like this just fine! What is the secret to being able to stand together and ride the waves life throws at us all, whether it's a sick kid, a medical diagnosis, or a lay-off ? The new science of love gives us a very clear message that resilience, both personal and in a relationship, is all about the strength of our bond - the quality of our emotional connection with the people we love.
Let's look at a couple of dramatic examples. First, a study of Israeli prisoners of war who had been isolated and tortured, found that the men who could call on their sense of being loved by their partner could actively use this felt sense of being loved in their prison cell to give themselves hope and the courage to fight on. Maybe this is a little like what I do when I am in a plane taking off in rough weather. I sit back and listen to my husband's soothing voice telling me that he would not let me do anything dangerous and I am coming home to him. I believe him. Evidence shows that just thinking of our loved ones triggers a cuddle hormone called oxytocin in our brains and this hormone gives us a sense of calm contentment and turns off the stress hormones that are keeping our brain on high alert. But the securely attached Israeli prisoners not only engaged in imaginary conversations with their wives in their prison cells, they were also able to recover faster and more completely once they were released!
This kind of research is just part of the growing evidence that we are not built to face stress and anxiety alone. Our most basic instinct, which is to reach for someone we love when things get rough, is our most powerful survival skill. The touch of someone we love literally calms the jittery neurons in our brain. In another study, women lying in an MRI machine who were told they were about to receive an electric shock, were able to use the touch of their husbands hand to calm the stress centers in their brains and lessen the pain of the shock. After all these years we are literally finding proof for the power of love !!!!!
In our work with those who constantly find themselves in harm's way, such as policemen, firemen and military couples, we have learned that the most effective antidote to stress, ongoing fear and catastrophe is a safe haven bond with a partner. What do these couples learn to do that we can apply to our relationships when monetary crises hit?
1. Partners can learn to offer, the most precious gift of all - themselves and their caring when their partner needs comfort. Often we try to "fix" our partners anxiety or pain with advice or ideas about what he or she should do. This usually backfires. What our partner needs from us, especially when he or she is filled with uncertainty, is emotional closeness and support. So saying, "This is so hard. I know you are scared, but I am here and we can do this together," isn't just kindness, it has the ability to turn off the alarm centers in your partner's brain. Your very emotional presence is reassuring.
2. Holding up a loving mirror to our partner is key. We so often blame ourselves when bad things happen: "If only I had worked harder or taken that other job, or invested in different things." Our partner's compassion is an antidote to this kind of self- criticism. If he or she can tell us that we did the best we could and what had happened is not our fault, we can sometimes accept that ourselves!
3. We can learn to pinpoint the emotional triggers that can move us into agitation and irritability or into numbing out and distancing. These moves always impact your partner and make it harder for him or her to support you. They create distance in your relationship. Jim is able to tell his wife, "I just got caught in the Gloom thing again and so I got irritable with you acting happy just now. I don't want us to get into our ‘I complain while you get exasperated and move away' routine. I don't want this stress to come between us. Maybe I just need to talk to you."
4. The last comment Jim makes here is the real key to dealing with stress in our relationships; to be able to turn to your partner and ask for what you need. This is an act of strength and courage. You ask for the emotional support and reassurance you need. Each time you can do this and your partner can respond you are building a safe haven relationship that no stressor can destroy. We know that when partners can do this they are stronger and more confident as individuals and they create stronger more loving bonds.
When we are in trouble and face an unpredictable future, this is when we need our love relationships the most. Our 25 years of research with couples tells us that when we can stand together, we can face any crisis that shows up - if we just hold each other tight.
And by the way, secure lasting marriages are good for the economy. Married folks are healthier and are able to pool resources, so have more wealth and economic assets. On the other side of the coin, a recent research report estimates the cost of a divorce for American society as a whole at about $25,000, including factors such as the need for subsidized housing or lower tax revenue. A small improvement in the health of our marriages would, the experts agree, not only help us cope better with the economic crisis, but result in enormous savings for tax-payers. But, for most of us, the most pressing point is that attending to and turning to your relationship is the best investment you can ever make - the best way to save your sanity in any economic downturn. If we have each other, we can survive any storm

Relationship tip of the week #39-Feed the positive dog

2010-03-15T16:45:00.002-04:00

This week's blog will feature my son, Jon Gordon's newsletter on being positive. Before we can truly be positive to our partners we have to be able to establish a positive realtionship with our self. Below are a number of ways to choose to be a positive individual.

Jon Gordon's Weekly Newsletter-Positive Strategies to Fuel Your Life and Career

March 15, 2010

Feed the Positive Dog

Are you dealing with stress at work? Is fear knocking you off balance? Are financial worries causing you to lose sleep?
The answer is to feed the positive dog.
If you read The Energy Bus you know I share a simple story about a man who travels to the village to speak to the wise man. He says to the wise man, "I feel like there are two dogs inside me. One dog is positive, loving, kind and optimistic and then I have this fearful, pessimistic, angry and negative dog and they fight all the time. I don't know who is going to win." The wise man thinks for a moment and responds, "I know who is going to win. The one you feed the most. So feed the positive dog."
The fact is we all have a positive and negative dog inside of us. It's part of our human nature. The key is to feed the positive dog and starve the negative dog. The more we feed the positive dog the bigger it gets and the stronger it becomes. The actions are simple. We just need to make them a habit and do them every day. Here are a few ways to feed the positive dog.
Practice Gratitude - You can't be stressed and thankful at the same time. Gratitude is like muscle the more you do it the stronger it gets. Take 10 minutes each day and make a list of what you are thankful for. You will fill your body and brain with costless and priceless anti-depressants.
Take a Walk of Gratitude - I do this each morning and it feeds me all day long.
Turn off the News - Starve the negative dog.
Smile More - It enhances your serotonin levels and uplifts you.
Focus on Get to vs Have to - Read the article here.
Read Uplifting Books - I happen to know of a few good ones :)
Get together with a positive, uplifting person.
Call or visit someone who has made a difference in your life and thank them. (research shows this is a huge happiness booster)
Write a Few Thank You Notes Today - When you thank others you feed them and yourself.
Watch a funny movie that makes you belly laugh.
Mentor someone and be mentored by someone.
Focus on God instead of Gold - For more read, Matthew 6:33
Start a Success Journal - Write down the one great thing about your day. The more you look for success, the more you will find it.
Decide to Make a Difference - When you help other people with their problems you forget about your own.
I Challenge You:
I challenge you to pick 1, 2 or 3 strategies identified above and make them a daily habit. Do them for 10 minutes a day, every day for 30 days. Don’t wait. Start them today. Don’t just read this newsletter, say “that’s nice” and put it away. Identify what you will do, when you will do it and commit to it. Your positive energy and natural anti-depressants are more powerful than the negativity you face.
Accept this challenge and declare the actions you will take on our blog here.
Stay Positive!
Jon

Relationship tip of the week #38-The Thank You Walk

2010-02-28T08:21:00.002-05:00

This simple exercise takes as little as ten minutes and not only helps you to connect with your partner in a deeper way but provides some physical movement for both of you. At least once a week, invite your partner to go for a ten minute walk around your neighborhood and take turns thanking one another for the various ways in which you help each other during the week. This helps to prevent the normal problem of taking each other's efforts for granted: whether it be earning money to support the household, making dinner, shopping, taking care of the children, or taking out the garbage.

Relationship tip #37-Romantic Movies Revisited

2010-02-20T18:25:00.003-05:00

Relationship tip of the week #37 Watch a romantic movie

Plan an evening of cuddling up together and watching a romantic movie. I had asked a number of people to e-mail me the most romantic movies they have seen. These were listed in blog #8 and are listed below the new suggestions.

Afrer going through my original list, i added a few additional ones that i think you will enjoy:

1)Don Juan De Marco-1995-with Johny Depp and Marlon Brando
2)Groundhog Day-1993-Bill Murray and Andie McDowall
3)As Good As It Gets-1997-Jack Nicholson and Holly Hunter
4)Mozart and the Whale-2005
5)Lars and the Real Girl-2007
6)50 First Dates-2004-Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore
7)500 Days of Summer-2009

The Mirror Has Two Faces
French Kiss
Ghost
Dirty Dancing
Run, Fat Boy, Run
Casablanca
Sleepless in Seattle
Harry Met Sally
A Little Romance
Somewhere in Time
The Notebook
Pretty Woman
Titanic
Sound of Music
Moulin Rouge
The Story of Us
Serendipity
You've Got Mail
An Officer & A Gentleman
West Side Story
Love Story

If you have a favorite romantic movie, please e-mail it to me at:

Victordancer@netzero.net

and i will post it in the future with my next list.

Relationship tip of the week #36-Healing The Angry Heart

2010-02-13T08:44:00.002-05:00

This week i will conclude with the third and final article in a series my wife, Carolyn Schwartz and i wrote for "Dancing USA" in 1998-9 on ballroom dancing and relationships.

Recovering From Dance Fights

or

Healing the Angry Heart

by Carolyn Schwartz, Ph.D. & Victor J. Goldman, C.S.W.

The car ride home from the dance studio seems interminable. Your stomach is in knots and negative thoughts are racing through your mind at the speed of a Viennese Waltz. The silence is deafening between you and your partner who sits next to you. You’ve read all the articles by Cooperative Partners on how to avoid dance fights, how to end them, and when to apply first aid. You clarified your expectations and presented your needs to your partner. You breathed deeply, paid attention to your body, tried to focus on your own part and respected your partner’s space and pace. Despite all of your efforts, you’re having thoughts of never dancing again and wondering how you even put up with this person at all.

In fact, conflict between partners is inevitable; no matter how many self-help books you have read, how much therapy you’ve had or how many marital enrichment courses you’ve taken. Thus, it is important to understand the course most fights follow, and have a plan for healing your wounds.

As we mentioned in our previous articles, (“First Aid for Dance Fights”) the reptilian-instinctive part of our brain is responsible for the “fight-flight” mechanism we experience when we perceive our partner attacking us. Such a response often leads to a stormy separation and exit from the dance floor or sulking and refusing to dance. In the early stages of a fight, apologies usually go nowhere and are made by the person who hates fighting and tension the most. Such apologies are usually rejected by the person who holds onto his/her anger the longest. As most people know, fights of all types eventually end (sometimes in hours - sometimes in days) and couples resume their normal relationship patterns. However, there is often a bitter residue left in one’s heart after these clashes which gradually builds up and can alienate partners from one another.

Our view is that healing takes place in four phases.

In the first phase, a couple finds themselves in an impasse similar to dancing on a crowded dance floor. All moves are blocked. A skilled dance couple will utilize patterns that keep their feet moving in place while they wait for an opening. Premature movements most often lead to contact with another couple and throw everybody off beat. Similarly, premature apologies and false acceptances are rarely effective. Instead, during this initial period when anger is strongest, each individual needs to take time to explore the wound they have suffered. Is there some truth to what your partner said to you? Do you need to look more deeply at the way you treat your partner and make some changes? If you do not find any validity to your partner’s claim, ask yourself why you are reacting so strongly to his/her statements. Are you insecure, dependent on her/his approval or love, unable to handle an opinion of yourself which doesn’t conform to your view? If new truths emerge, it is important to take the time to uncover the roots of your insecurities and fears and begin to confront them in order to enhance your own development as an individual.

In the second phase, as the intense anger and hurt subside, it is important to remind yourself of your commitment to a good life in which dancing is an integral part. Although you may feel a desire for vengeance or punishment of your partner, such action stops you from experiencing your own joy and the ability to dance and move freely. You may resent being the one who most often leads the way to reconciliation; however, in the long run this behavior is a sign of strength and your contribution to the couple’s growth and stability.

The third phase is marked by a focus on forgiveness of your partner through an acceptance of your own limitations and mistakes. Nobody is perfect. We have all acted in ways which were hurtful to others. As you acknowledge your problem areas, you can find compassion for your partner’s insensitive behaviors. As you forgive yourself for such actions, you find forgiveness for those who have hurt you. As you remind yourself of your partner’s positive characteristics and strengths, your heart opens and the inherent drive to be close to another human being moves into the foreground of your consciousness.

This opening signifies the beginning of the final phase - reconciliation. Take time to review your experience. What have you learned about old patterns? Do you have plans to implement some new behavior? What did you learn about your ability to set limits, define your boundaries, and your ability to communicate? Your invitation to reconnect must be similar to a good lead in social dancing. Strong leaders do not force their partners to move when they’re not ready, but provide an opening that is clear, inviting and allows the follower to move in her/his own way and time. Thus, a sincere apology is one which is given freely and is not taken back if one’s partner is not ready to accept it. It’s also necessary to respect one another’s time frame for healing and to allow the relationship to resume naturally when both members are ready for contact.

With strong individual frames (enhanced through increased self-awareness and self confidence), fluid movement (aided by each person taking responsibility for his/her part), open hearts (forgiveness for each other’s mistakes and insensitivities), and a renewed commitment to a caring dancing partnership (reconciliation) the couple can continue their journey towards the elusive goal of “Dancing as One.”

Relationship tip of the week #35-First Aid For Dance Fights

2010-02-07T08:52:00.002-05:00

This week's post is the second of a series of articles my wife, Carolyn Schwartz and myself wrote on ballroom dancing and relationships. I believe that anyone who has ever had a fight with his or her spouse will recognize the challenges described below whether he/she dances or not.

FIRST AID FOR DANCE FIGHTS

by Carolyn Schwartz, Ph.D. & Victor J. Goldman, LCSW

As you take your partner in your arms for the first dance of the evening, your mellow mood dissolves when halfway around the floor, she whispers in your ear, “You’re holding me too tightly.” A few more patterns and with the slightest irritation in her voice she adds, “You’re pushing me.”

Before you know it, you comment, “That’s because you’re moving too slowly.”

She responds, “You’re never supposed to push a woman.”

You counter, “I thought we agreed not to criticize one another while we’re dancing.”

She quickly parries, “Well, I can’t dance if you’re forcing me to move instead of leading.”

You go for the jugular, “Then, let’s leave.”

She one ups you, “That’s fine with me.” She may have the last word but you have the last move as you stop dancing and head for the exit.

How did that fight escalate so fast? What happened to your peace and contentment? Two days later, you’ll probably forget what the fight was all about.

There are times in a couple’s life when despite the best intentions to have a good time, a dance fight erupts, anger spews out, and a perfectly good evening is ruined. Having experienced such moments during the course of our many years of dancing and marriage, we offer the following suggestions to help salvage the situation and make a speedy return to the line of dance rather than to the door.

Step number one is understanding our reactions. While we may pride ourselves on our intelligence, human beings have the same evolutionary instincts as the rest of the animal world - SURVIVAL - when attacked, “It’s Fight or Flight.” In the above example, the woman experienced the man’s lead as an attack on her space. In her effort to correct this, she communicated her discomfort. This in turn was experienced by the man as a critique of hie dancing ability and thus he defended himself. The need to be right comes from a core view that there’s only room for one reality - Our own.

Step number two - Leave the dance floor and separate as gracefully as possible.

The third step is to begin taking some deep breaths and focus on our bodily sensations. This activity slows down the adrenaline rush and quiets our anxiety and fear which fuel our defensive responses. By paying attention to our rapid heart beat and clenched jaw, we start to realize that we’ve not only lost our psychological center but also our bodily center which is necessary for the movement and connection which creates smooth dancing.

As our body begins to relax, we are ready for step four - Examining possible causes of the fight. Very often hidden issues of which we are unaware, may be simmering below the surface. A sharp word or an irritating touch may be all it takes to bring them into consciousness. Did something stressful just happen recently or are there some long term problems which have not been addressed with your partner. By becoming aware of the causes of your tension, it becomes possible to separate these conflicts from your dancing experience.

Step five - Ask yourself, “What can I do to improve the situation?” Take control of your behavior, rather than depending on your partner to apologize or calm you down. Remember, there can be no fight if only one person is arguing.

Step six - Reconnect with your partner and suggest a moratorium. Do not attempt to talk out the problem. Dance fights have a life of their own, do not die easily and can be rekindled with just a word or two. Instead, allow the power of dancing to begin healing the wounds both partners have suffered. Focus on the music - let the melodies soothe your heart and the rhythms re-energize your passion, let the movement help to release your tension and allow one another’s touch to soften the anger. The joy of moving together can dissipate your frustration and hurt, and help you to re-establish your connection.

Finally, it is important to understand that even though dance fights can be painful and threatening, they provide messages which can illuminate new directions for a more positive relationship.

Footnote - Without the utilization of the above steps, this article would not have been written.

Relationship tip of the week #34-It takes two to both tango and tangle

2010-01-23T08:39:00.003-05:00

This week, i will be posting the first of a series of three articles my wife, Carolyn Schwartz, a clinical psychologist, and myself wrote about ballroom dancing and relationships. Although the focus is social dancing, i am sure you will be able to see how these articles are applicable to all activities in which couples have to cooperate.

IT TAKES TWO TO BOTH TANGO AND TANGLE

by Carolyn Schwartz, Ph.D. & Victor J. Goldman, C.S.W.

To state the obvious: the best way to deal with a dance fight is to not have one. However, as anyone who has taken ballroom dance lessons or gone out social dancing knows; this is easier said than done. In this article, we will present a number of techniques for the prevention of arguments on and off the dance floor. While some of our suggestions are geared to both partners, others can be accomplished by one member of the couple. Remember, it takes two to both tango and tangle.

We believe that the most valuable preventative technique a couple can practice, takes place before they arrive at the studio or the dance. This approach involves the clarification of expectations. Many disagreements erupt because the partners have different agendas - one wants to focus on the steps from a recent lesson; the other wants to relax and enjoy an evening of social dancing with patterns previously mastered. A dance lesson can become tense because one partner wants to concentrate on style while the other wants to learn a new routine.

Before either a lesson or a dance, we take the time to ask each other: "What do you need in order to have a good time or to have a productive lesson?" Most of the time, we find that our needs are similar:

1) Make eye contact - this helps us to not get lost in our own thoughts or what's happening around us.

2) Offer encouragement and support rather than criticism. Everyone knows that people respond with openness and trust when they feel safe and become defensive when they feel attacked. We agree that once out on the dance floor, any comments, requests or suggestions about one another's dancing wait until we are off the floor and able to talk in private.

3) Sensitivity and gentle touch - we remind one another that we have different levels of sensitivity to touch and the manner in which we like to be held.

4) Occasionally, one of us will need something for a particular mood or the situation we are in - ie: starting with some slow dances if one of us is not feeling energetic or taking more time to socialize with friends we may not have seen for a while and thus, sitting out some dances.

We recommend that this process can be a aided by agreeing to several minutes of active listening (each person has a turn to speak without interruption or comment) or by writing a list of each's needs and goals and sharing it before dancing or a combination of both.

We also a believe that the following attitudes when practiced by one or both partners can prevent conflicts from arising because one person's positive energy can have a calming effect on their partner who may be getting angry or become controlling when frustrated by the dance experience.

Most important, Remember the relationship. Dancing is for fun, connectedness and the sheer pleasure of movement. It is very easy to become obsessed with doing the steps perfectly, trying to look good for others or looking at yourself in the mirrors that are in most dance studios. Don’t forget your goal of dancing as a couple.

Expect to go through some difficult periods. As in all aspects of a relationship, one partner is likely to learn more quickly than the other and will begin to feel impatient and judgmental. If your priority is to continue dancing together, tolerance and support are needed for the slower learning partner who may be feeling poorly about him/herself.

Practice focusing on what you can do to improve the couple's dancing rather than criticizing your partner’s efforts. When one person changes his movement or frame, it creates a need for adjustment on the part of the other. Instead of trying to control your partner, work on your self and change will come about naturally.

Letting go of being right. As good as it feels to be right, this means that your partner has to feel wrong and this can only create tension. When there is a question about a step or movement, ask your teacher. You may be right, but it’s not much fun dancing alone.

Accepting and respecting differences. People are different. Men and women are different. Each of us will hear the music a little faster or a little slower. What is experienced as a firm hand hold by one can be felt as a vice-like grip by another. Again, as in all elements of our relationship, we must take time to negotiate our differences and respect our partner’s perspective, even if we have difficulty fitting it into our own world view.

Despite all of the obstacles, the challenge of moving as one around the dance floor with each person taking responsibility for his/her own part is an opportunity for couples to experience a sense of exhilaration and connectedness that can heal the deepest wounds at the same time that it enhances love and intimacy

Relationship tip of the week #32-Give your love with compassion and generosity

2010-01-16T07:41:00.002-05:00

This week, i will conclude my blogging on "How To Improve Your Relationship Without Talking About It" by Pat Love and Steven Stosny with a look at the final element of their "Power Love Formula"-Handing out love with compassion and generosity. The authors suggest that you make a simple contact between yourself and your partner by stating "This is how i will show my love for you every day" and then list the ways in which you will carry out that promise. Writing it on a piece of paper and giving it to your partner makes it more real and strengthens the comittment.
Examples might be: speaking in a kind voice; lighting a candle at bedtime; making the morning coffee; leave love notes once a week; etc. My suggestion for ensuring your success is to start with one or two actions and if you are able to consistently deliver these, than consider adding one or two more rather than a long list which may not be as easy to follow through when starting on this element of the formula.

Relationship tip of the week #31-Hold Positive Thoughts

2010-01-10T10:15:00.002-05:00

We continue with the Power Love Formula described by Pat Love and Steven Stosny in their book, "How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It".
The third action is holding positive thoughts about your relationship. This only takes about a minute and can be done several times during the day. Simply pause, close your eyes and imagine several of the positive qualities that your partner possesses. This is very helpful overall but particularly if you are going through a rough stretch as it can balance the negative images that may pass before your mind's eye during the course of a day.

Relationship tip of the week #30-Hold your partner close to your heart

2010-01-02T10:49:00.003-05:00

Today i will be describing the second of four elements of "The Power Love Formula" put forth by Pat Love and Steven Stosny in their book, "How to improve your marriage without talking about it". This is the conscious decision to think about your partner in a positive way four times during the day: 1) when you wake up 2)before you leave home 3) when you return 4) as you go to sleep. Obviously, starting the day with a positive thought about your partner is going to put you in a good frame of mind and as you add to this intitial conscious decision, the remaining ones will build upon one another until you go to sleep and what better way to start an evening of dreaming than with a feeling of love towards your partner. Of course this is not always easy to do when you are angry, but by practicing this routine daily, it will become second nature even when you and your partner may be at odds with each other.

Relationship tip of the week #29-Living With An Open Heart

2009-12-25T08:22:00.002-05:00

In the spirit of the holidays, i would like to encourage each of us to take a moment to consider what it means to live with an open heart, especially with your partner.
Try this simple visualilzation and physical exercise:
Find a space where you can be alone. Stand up, close your eyes, and open your arms wide as if you are about to give a great big hug. Take a few deep breaths and imagine your heart is also wide open and ready to share and receive love. Now imagine your partner is standing in front of you. If you feel comfortable, invite him/her into your embrace. Enjoy the moment. If you feel cautious or hesitant, take a few more deep breaths and let any reservations come forward. Examine them and ask yourself what is the worst that will happen if you continue to live with an open heart. Most likely, the worst scenario is that in some way your partner will behave in a way which causes you to feel pain. Take a few more deep breaths and imagine that your love will help you to deal with any pain that comes your way. Knowing that your love can support you, invite them in to your heart and embrace them with all of your love.
How do you feel?
If you are ready, find your partner and invite them into your heart.
Happy Holidays

Relationship tip of the week #28-6 hugs a day

2009-12-21T17:25:00.003-05:00

One of the first things that starts to disappear in a relationship in which resentment has become common is affectionate touch. To remedy this loss of physical contact, authors of "How To Improve Your Relationship Without Talking About It", Pat Love and Stephen Stosny suggest 6 hugs a day for 6 seconds. They believe that "The 6 second minimum recognizes that in the beginning some of those hugs will be forced. They can start out forced but will become genuine at about the fourth or fifth second, provided that you are attached and not in the contempt stage of detachment. This kind of embrace increases serotonin levels to give a general calming effect that can even help to reduce appetite. Not a bad deal-you'll feel better in general and less edgy, irritable and sad in particular and maybe drop a pound 0r two in the process of feeling closer".

Relationship tip of the week #27-Five minutes a day to a deeper connection

2009-12-13T08:07:00.002-05:00

I am continuing to blog about, How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Patricia Love and Stephen Stosny. This week i will begin with "The Power Love Formula". This formula includes four actions which each partner can make and carry out independently of their spouse.
1) Keep your partner in your heart four times times a day.
2) Hug your partner 6 times a day for at least 6 seconds each.
3) Maintain positive thoughts about your relationship in your mind.
4) Make a contract with yourself to give your love with compassion and generosity.

Over the next four weeks, i will take each of the above and describe them in more detail. I will also talk about the challenge of feeling as if you are the only one working on the relationship.

Relationship tip of the week #26-"How to improve your relationship without talking about it"

2009-12-06T08:25:00.002-05:00

I am excited to share the title of a book on marriage which i think is worth reading: "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About it" by Patricia Love and Steven Stosny. This book takes a look at the difficulty that men and women have speaking with one another but gives it a fresh look with deeper insights into this problem that plagues most relationships today. Over the next month or two i will be blogging about some of the ideas and next week i will begin with the authors' suggestions for how to improve your marriage or relationship in just 4 and a half minutes a day without talking or having to tell your partner what you are doing.

Relationship tip of the week #25-Making your partner a #1 priority

2009-11-15T07:58:00.002-05:00

Feeling very low on your partner's priority list is not an unusual feeling in a relationship. Work, the children, parents, friends and even the dog get more attention than you do. A great exercise to remedy this problem is for each partner to take a turn asking and answering the following question each day:

"What can i do for you today that will let you know that you are important to me?"

While a simple hug, a kiss, taking out the garbage, picking up the kids, arranging for a babysitter, and listening to the events of the day may not seem much at the moment, multiply that by 365 days a year and each of you are making a special effort and taking time to give and receive from one another.

Please note, the requests should be limited to relatively simple behaviors and not changes in one's partner's behaviors or solutions to long standing unresolved issues.

Relationship tip of the week #24-A little loving touch goes a long way

2009-11-08T08:23:00.002-05:00

A great way to stay "in touch" with each other is to make it a part of your weekly routine to share some form of physical contact with each other that is not sexual. My suggestion is that at least once a week, each partner take a turn giving some shoulder, back, neck or foot massage, back scratching, scalp massage or light tickling. Massage oil and/or lighting a candle contribute to setting a relaxing mood. I also think it is a good idea to alternatae days so the individual receiving the "loving touch" can really enjoy it. Keeping the time to ten minutes also makes this experience one that does not require a great deal of energy or preparation.

Relationship tip of the week #23-The Airplane Analogy

2009-11-01T06:23:00.002-05:00

I like to pose this question to clients who are immersed in "caretaking" behaviors with their partner. If you are sitting next to a child on an airplane and the oxygen masks drop because of an emergency, whose mask should you put on first. Very often, "caretakers" will say "the child of course". On second thought, it usually becomes obvious that putting on one's own mask is the first order of business as one's own breathing is essential in case things don't go as expected.
In relationships this translates to-First love and nurture yourself so that you have energy to give to others. If you do not take care of yourself, you will have very little to offer those you love. Yes, this is selfish, but without self care, we all gradually lose our vitality and ability to relate.

Relationship tip of the week #22-Resolving Power Struggles

2009-10-23T10:11:00.003-04:00

You want to go to Caifornia. Your partner wants to take a cruise to Bermuda. Back and forth you debate, then argue, then stop talking to each other in frustration. No compromise seems to come forth. You don't want to give in because you always give in and your partner always wins these struggles but what's the point in staying angry.
What to do?

Flip a coin.

Let chance decide. One person may seem to win but in actuality it is the couple's realtionship that benefits as both parties agree that it is more important to stay connected than to argue or try to win one's way.
While this may not work for really big decisions, it can help the couple that always seem to be in oppostion to each other and can even be fun.
It also helps each partner to take a look at how important it is to "get his/her way" and how that can lead to deep divisons in the realationship.

Relationship tip of the week #21-"Hugging Till Relaxed"-part 2

2009-10-18T09:14:00.004-04:00

Last week i described the practice of "Hugging Til Relaxed". Today, i want to talk about the theory of differentiation as it applies to what seems to be a simple activity. David Schnarch writes in his book, "Passionate Marriage":

"Differentiation is your ability to stand on your own two feet, physicaly and emotionally... It allows you to stay close while your partner "bounces off the wall". If you can quiet yourself while your partner is flooding with anxiety, you don't have to move away or make him or her feel differentlly in order to control your own emotions. You can stay near- all you have to do is calm yourself down...
If your spouse is your support system, when he or she gets nervous you have to grab onto him, physically or emotionally, or let go of him all together. If you depend on your spouse to "be there for you", you have to be wary all the time. When your spouse is upset, you can't relax when he's holding you, and you can't relax when he isn't.
Hugging til relaxed provides a way to learn to self soothe, or quiet yourself in close proximity to your partner... You can also feel how "holding onto yourself" eventually brings connection with your partner"

This is not easy to accomplish but certainly worth the efforts of practicing this exercise over time which will strengthen the couple's connection.

Relationship tip of the week #20-"Hugging Till Relaxed"

2009-10-11T07:43:00.004-04:00

In the hectic, high paced, stressed out world we live in, it is very easy to get disconnected from your partner. A very simple antidote to this problem is the practice of "Hugging Till Relaxed"(developed by David Schnarch-one of the foremost sex therapists in the United States- and described in his book, "Passionate Marriage") which can take as little as three or four minutes.
Agree to do this simple way of connecting once a day by:
1) "Stand on your own two feet"
2) "Put your arms around your partner"
3) "Focus on yourself"
4) "Quiet yourself down -way down"

Stay in the hug until you are both relaxed, and then look into each other's eyes and breathe.

Next week, i will talk about some of the benefits of this practice.

Relationship tip of the week #19-Breaking out of your rut

2009-10-04T08:01:00.002-04:00

Many couples who are together for a number of years report that they feel stuck in their routines and their relationship has become boring. It is easy to get caught up in the family's needs and demands and forget to take the time to be creative in your realtionship. This can be as simple as going to a new restaurant, taking a different route home from a visit to your parents, bringing home a new board game unexpectedly, watching a tv channel that you have never looked at, or switching seats at the dinner table. But what if it makes your partner anxious? Calmy reassure him or her that it is just an experiment in practicing change and it will be fun to see how each of you react.

Relationship tip of the week #18-Being the best partner you can be

2009-09-27T08:04:00.003-04:00

So what does it take to be the best partner you can be?

Here are my top ten:

1) Willingness to listen to your partner's concerns about what you do that upsets her/him even though you do not agree with his/her view
2) Willingness to stretch yourself to make changes that are not comfortable or at least try on new behaviors
3) Give your partner the benefit of the doubt before you rush to judgement
4) Willingness to share your concerns in the most positive way possible
5) Be willing to forgive
6) Willingness to accept disappointment
7) Show interest in your partner's life
8) Accept that relationships provide challenges for growth that are not always easy
9) Take responsibility for nourishing yourself
10) Live with an open heart

Relationship tip of the week #17-What we all want

2009-09-20T09:05:00.002-04:00

If you think about it for a moment, what almost all of us want in a relationship is: a partner who really cares about us, our concerns, wants to understand us, if there is something that is stressing us about the relationship and wants to do whatever possible to make it better and give us the benefit of the doubt before assuming the worst. Of course, most of us forget that if we want to receive this, we have to be ready to offer it to our partner.
What does it take to do that? Why is it so difficult to achieve?
Next week, we will explore the challenge of striving to be the best partner we can be.

Relationship tip of the week #16 The Relationship Talk

2009-05-09T11:58:00.002-04:00

One of the most challenging conversations for couples is the one about the relationship or some concern about what is happening or not happening between the partners. Here are my guidelines to help improve the outcome of any such conversations:

Guidelines for the Relationship Talk

1) Give your partner the benefit of the doubt before you start the discussion. Try to find a place in your heart that allows for the possibility that whatever is causing you concern is not being done by your partner because he/she does not care about you.
2) During the conversation, try to be civil no matter how you feel, Act respectfully (the way you would like to be treated) and do not raise your voice even though you may start to feel agitated by what is said.
3) Attempt to be very positive and solution oriented rather than assigning blame
4) Limit time to ten minutes unless both agree to extend the conversation.
5) Utilize whatever self soothing techniques work best for you if you start to feel stressed (breathing, self talk, etc)
6) Keep in mind that the most important goal is to be able to maintain a process of ongoing communication whereby you can continue to talk to each other about issues even if you do not reach a satisfactory conclusion in any given conversation
7) Also work towards creating a feeling of friendship and caring about each other rather than acting as adversaries.
8) Try to not communicate displeasure or disagreement with body movements (crossing arms. Looking away or down) or facial gestures (rolling of the eyes, frowning, etc.)
9) Try to end each conversation with a hug and a kiss

Relationship tip of the week #15 Nurturing the Couple

2009-04-19T08:31:00.002-04:00

With all of today's pressures and demands it is very easy to put our relationship to the bottom of our list of priorities. However, like all of life, our connection to our partner needs attention on a regular basis. It really does not take as much time as we imagine, but rather a moment or two of quality talk or sharing of space together. If you have not been focused on your relationship recently, i encourage you to review a few of my initial posts(#1, #3 and #4) and put them into practice over the next few days and watch the couple's energy grow.

Relationship tip of the week #14-Happiness Contest

2009-04-05T08:02:00.000-04:00

In today's world of stress and daily bad news from our economy, it might be hard to imagine having a happiness contest with your partner; however, i cannot think of a better time to try this fun exercise.
Agree with your partner that you will each keep a list of all the things that you appreciate as you go through your day. These can be very simple such as "smellling the coffee", the first signs of spring, a phone call with someone you care about, an unusual event, a chance encounter or the unique taste of some food you have eaten. When you return home in the evening take five minutes to share your list with one another. Who was the happiest? Obviously, you are both winners. Enjoy!!!

Relationship tip of the week #13-Self Soothing

2009-03-28T08:06:00.002-04:00

Self soothing is one of the most important skills to help improve your relationship. When your partner says something that you do not agree with or feels threatening in some way, you will probably notice that your mind may start to race with thoughts to combat his/her point of view or evidence to prove her/him wrong. Your muscles may tense up as if you are in a fight and you have to run or attack back. Your heart may start to pound as you anticipate a struggle of some sort. In this physical and psychological state it is highly unlikely that you are going to be thinking clearly or making comments that are helpful to the couple.
This is where you need to do the following to calm yourself down:
1) self talk: Remind yourself that this is just your partner's opinion and you are entitled to have your opinion. You do not have to do anything with which you do not feel comfortable even if your parter gets angry. Both of you have been angry at each other in the past and you are still together. The best time to talk is when you are calm and not in the heat of the moment.
2) breathe deeply: this will slow down your heart beat and help you to relax even though you are feeling stressed by the interaction. It is not helpful to exaggerate your deep breathing to your partner although you do not have to hide it and if asked about why you are doing it, a good response is "i want to be calm so i can best hear what you are telling me and be able to give it the consideration it deserves."
3) remove yourself from the situation if you know that you are not going to help the situation with what you have to say. Try to do this gracefully and not by slamming the door-You might say: "I think i need to take a walk and calm down so i do not say anyting that will not be helpful or i will regret later.

By self soothing, you will have a better chance of having a positive interaction than if you start to tell your partner to calm down as you will be serving as a model for how to deal with difficult feelings.

Relationship tip of the week #12-To agree to disagree-Part 2

2009-03-22T07:52:00.002-04:00

In my last blog, i described some of the reasons it is so hard for us to be rational and simply "agree to disagree". Today, i will offer some ways of creating a space for the couple to achieve this state of mind.

1) When you are not in a state of conflict or tension, have a conversation about whether you can agree to create a space that either member can activate by stating that he/she experiences that whatever is being dicussed clearly has two sides and rather than argue about it, she/he is calling for a moratorium on the conversation and acknowledging that this is an area that the couple "agrees to disagree". That ends the conversation for now with an understanding that it can be revisited in the near future to see if either has changed his/her mind about the topic.
2) It is important for at least one person in the couple to keep in mind that almost any issue being discussed is not as urgent as it seems and the willingness to not force a decision upon one's partner creates a more fluid situation for change to take place in the future.
3) Keep in mind that your willingness to respect your partner's point of view even though it may make no sense to you will create a sense of trust in you and will most likely return that respect though not necessarilly in the immediate moment.
4) Every time you are able to "agree to disagree", you are strengthening your own boundaries as an individual since you are recognizing that there are two people in the relationship.
5) If your partner is not able to "agree to disagree", try to soothe yourself and not allow your anger to stop you from understanding that she/he may feel so strongly about the particular area of discussion that he/she cannot be at ease with two points of view at that particular moment.

Relationship tip of the week #11-To agree to disagree-Part 1

2009-03-01T07:31:00.002-05:00

Why is it so hard "to agree to disagree" with your partner even though it seems as if it is the rational thing to do?

1) It feels so much better when we agree with each other.
2) If i just point out the error of his/her way, surely she/he will agree with my point of view.
3) She/he surely can't believe what he/she is saying.
4) If we don't agree i won't be able to get my way.
5) It would hard for me to be close to someone who believes that.
6) How can we solve this problem if we don't come up with something we both agree upon?

These are some of the many reasons why couples continue to argue with each other over an issue when there are clearly two different points of view about an issue or challenge they are facing.
Next week, i will present a different way of looking at "agreeing to disagree" and how couples can integrate this important concept into their relationship.
Stay tuned.

Relationship tip of the week #10-$20 dates

2009-02-21T09:41:00.002-05:00

We often make excuses that it costs too much to go out on a "date" these days; however, for some inexpensive and fun ideas which you might have done in the past or not, please click on this link below and spend some quality time with the one you love.

http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/20175/20-dates-for-under-20

Relationship tip of the week #9-Valentine's Day fun

2009-02-12T08:57:00.002-05:00

If you would like to try something a little diffrent for Valentine's Day, i would like to offer this fun experience. Contact your local pizza place and ask if they would make you a special heart shaped pizza and spell out "i luv u" in some form of topping(pepperoni, sausage, mushrooms, olives etc).Work out the time in advance with the store owner and bring your partner to the pizzaria and watch her/him smile as the pizza is served.
Happy Valentine's Day

Relationship tip of the week #8 Watch a romantic movie

2009-02-08T09:33:00.002-05:00

Plan an evening of cuddling up together and watching a romantic movie. I recently asked a number of people to e-mail me the most romantic movies they have seen. Below are the movies I received in no particular order. Some are old and some are new but you can get them all from Netflix or Blockbuster Online or try your local library. Enjoy:

The Mirror Has Two Faces
French Kiss
Ghost
Dirty Dancing
Run, Fat Boy, Run
Casablanca
Sleepless in Seattle
Harry Met Sally
A Little Romance
Somewhere in Time
The Notebook
Pretty Woman
Titanic
Sound of Music
Moulin Rouge
The Story of Us
Serendipity
You've Got Mail
An Officer & A Gentleman
West Side Story
Love Story

If you have a favorite romantic movie, please e-mail it to me at:

Victordancer@netzero.net

and i will post it in the future with my next list.

Relationship tip of the week #7-The Soft Start Up

2009-02-02T07:42:00.004-05:00

The Soft Start Up-Part 1. Most of us know that it is not easy to start a conversation about something that is concerning us in our relationship. Over the next several weeks i will be addressing this issue and how to heighten the success of conversations about challenges between partners.
This week-Give the benefit of the doubt. Yes, you have told your partner both nicely and angrily what is bothering you many times before but he/she just doesn't get it, doesn't care, is hostile to you, is self centered etc. Even if this is true, approaching your partner by giving the benefit of the doubt can create an easier entrance into difficult issues. "I know this is an area we have talked about before and is obviously more important to me than you but i would like you to hear me out and consider my request even though it may be challenging for you." This is indeed hard to do if you have many angry feelings about not being heard but in fact whatever you are asking may be very difficult for your partner to do for some reason(conscious or unconscious) that is not clear to either of you. Try to keep in mind that the most important part of this contact is staying in process with your partner about your concern and not shaming her/him, or laying on the guilt, or character assassination("you are just so selfish"). Even if you don't get what you want immediately, you may find change coming shortly afterwards when your partner has had some time to think about your needs and is not busily defending his/her own position because you have not attacked her/him.
Part 2-Self Soothing-next week

Relationship tip of the week #6-How to end almost any argument

2009-01-26T07:33:00.003-05:00

How many times do you find yourself in an argument saying things to your partner that you know you will regret later. The key to stopping any of these verbal battles is to slow down the process. This can be accomplished with one little phrase: "I will take that under consideration". Since all arguments are about trying to convince each other of who is right, this stops the downward spiral, by indicating that you are willing to consider your partner's point of view. Of course this will not work, if you are not really open to looking at how your partner is seeing the present situation. State that you will take a day to think about it and then in fact, try to imagine how he/she is feeling about what you were discussing(this is very difficult to do as we are often afraid that we might have to give in to her/his view) and come back the next day with your thoughts about which you were originally arguing. If the argument starts up again, repeat the process or indicate that it is clear that you each have some very strong differences around this issue and may need some ongoing discussion before a compromise or solution can be reached.

Relationship tip of the week #5-The best book on communication for couples

2009-01-17T08:21:00.003-05:00

In my opinion the best book on communiaction for couples that has ever been written is "After the Honeymoon" by Dan Wile. This book had been out of print but is now available at Amazon.com as the author has published a revised edition himself. You cannot get this in the bookstores. I will have a supply of them in my office after January 26th for anyone who is interested in purchasing one(cost is $15). Dan Wile has an uncanny knack for capturing real life interactions, where they go wrong, what can be done to recover and get back on track. He also talks about the ten rules of communiation that most therapists teach and why they do not work when there is a disagreement. He believes that true intimacy is a couple's ability to talk about their issues with one another and that the inability to do so inevitably leads to symptoms such as lonliness, depression, infidelity, divorce, etc. This is the one book to read if you want to improve your ability to communicate with your partner.

Relationship tip of the week #4-Taking the couple's temperature

2009-01-04T08:29:00.002-05:00

This simple act is one of the most important ways to improve your relationship. Take the time each day to check in with your partner about how he/she perceives the health of the relationship. Ask your partner each day if she/he feels loved by you. If the answer is yes, the couple is most likely doing well. If your partner says no, ask why and what you could do right now to help create that feeling. This is usually harder for men to do since they are hoping that everything is okay and will tend to avoid talks that are focused on the relationship; however, a man that takes the time to do this will improve the relationship simply by asking and thus demonstrating that he cares about his partner's feelings.

Relationship Tip of the Week #3-A little romance

2008-12-25T08:49:00.002-05:00

You will be surprised how much of an impact small reminders of your connection will have upon your partner. A single rose, a post-it note on the bathroom mirror that says i love you, a chocolate kiss on the pillow, a romantic card, a poem, a voice mail with loving words, a lingering kiss, a long hug. All of these and of course 1000 other simple but loving acts will strengthen the connection between the two of you. Most important to keep in mind is being consistent. Once or twice a week over the course over a year add up to a lot of positive expressions of the love you hold for your partner.

If you have any suggestions to add to my list, please feel free to write them on my blog.

Relationship tip of the week #2-The Mystery Date

2008-12-20T12:19:00.003-05:00

Are you looking to spice up your realtionship? This simple but fun activity will bring both excitement and passion back into your realtionship. Take turns with your partner planning a "mystery date". This can be something romantic such as a trip to an unusual restaurant, a play, a day trip to a spa, or something simple and inexpensive like a walk down the streets of a village that neither of you are familiar with to window shop or try an unknown cafe or a walk in a park or nature preserve that neither of you know. The key element is obviously the surprise(do not tell your partner where you are going so he/she is guessing right up to the moment you arrive). The fact that both of you are taking the time to plan(even if it doesn't turn out perfect) a date demonstrates to one another the commitment you each have to make your realtionship a priority. A date once a month or every two months will have you looking forward to spending quality and fun time together.

Relationship Tip of the Week #1

2008-12-12T06:39:00.003-05:00

One of the bests ways to go to sleep at night is to take a minute before you put your head on the pillow and each take a turn expressing your gratitude to your partner for something she/he has done or some aspect of his/her personality that makes your life richer. You will notice that your morning will start with a much more positive attitude towards your spouse.

Best Book To Improve Your Relationship

2008-11-01T09:19:00.000-04:00

Hi readers,

For my first blog, i am suggesting that the best book to improve your relationship is:
"The Seven Principle for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman, the foremost expert on marital research in our country. I have found this to be extremely helpful to couples who want to improve their relationship. The book is very easy to read and his exercises are simple and keep the focus on his basic premise which is the establishment of a five to one ration of positive to negative behaviors.