Sunday, April 5, 2015

52 Steps To Improve Your Relationship-Step 3

Step 3-Disclosure

In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.
The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.

Below is Set 1(set 2 and 3 will be presented in future steps) of this study. I suggest that you put aside at least thirty minutes and ask each other all of the questions at one time. If you can not find time, than try two questions a night. Also, take turns answering first as you go through the questions

Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

“When you don't talk, there's a lot of stuff that ends up not getting said.” 

52 Steps To Improve Your Relationship-Step 2

Step 2-The 6 Second Hug

Give your partner one hug a day that lasts 6 seconds.
Keep in mind that this a "hug of affection" and not a "groping hug".
The biggest challenge to following through with this step is that when we are angry at our partner we do not feel like being close to him/her; however, this is also an opportunity to remind ourselves that we have a deeper connection and taking the time to connect in this way is an invitation to that feeling for both partners.

“If you would be loved, love, and be loveable.”
— Benjamin Franklin

52 Steps To Improve Your Relationship-Step 1

Welcome to my 52 Steps To Improve Your Relationship.

Each Monday you will receive a suggested behavior or shift in attitude or activity that is designed to strengthen your partnership. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me by email or phone(631-928-4114-my landline-texting not available)

Also included will be a positive quote about relationships

Step 1

At the end of each day, ask your partner "What was positive about his/her day?" and "What was challenging about her/his day?"  This is to replace the usual "How was your day?" question which is less inviting to sharing.

After your partner has shared, offer your answers to the same questions.

Quote for the week

"When you stop expecting people to be perfect, than you can like them for who they are" by Donald Miller