52 Steps To Improve Your Relationship-Step 3

Step 3-Disclosure

In Mandy Len Catron’s Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” she refers to a study by the psychologist Arthur Aron (and others) that explores whether intimacy between two strangers can be accelerated by having them ask each other a specific series of personal questions. The 36 questions in the study are broken up into three sets, with each set intended to be more probing than the previous one.

The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.

Below is Set 1(set 2 and 3 will be presented in future steps) of this study. I suggest that you put aside at least thirty minutes and ask each other all of the questions at one time. If you can not find time, than try two questions a night. Also, take turns answering first as you go through the questions

 

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

“When you don't talk, there's a lot of stuff that ends up not getting said.” 

¯ Catherine Gilbert Murdock, Dairy Queen

52 Steps To Improve Your Relationship-Step 2

Step 2-The 6 Second Hug

Give your partner one hug a day that lasts 6 seconds.

Keep in mind that this a "hug of affection" and not a "groping hug".

The biggest challenge to following through with this step is that when we are angry at our partner we do not feel like being close to him/her; however, this is also an opportunity to remind ourselves that we have a deeper connection and taking the time to connect in this way is an invitation to that feeling for both partners.

“If you would be loved, love, and be loveable.”
— Benjamin Franklin

52 Steps To Improve Your Relationship-Step 1

Welcome to my 52 Steps To Improve Your Relationship.


Each Monday you will receive a suggested behavior or shift in attitude or activity that is designed to strengthen your partnership. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me by email or phone(631-928-4114-my landline-texting not available)

Also included will be a positive quote about relationships



Step 1

At the end of each day, ask your partner "What was positive about his/her day?" and "What was challenging about her/his day?"  This is to replace the usual "How was your day?" question which is less inviting to sharing.

After your partner has shared, offer your answers to the same questions.



Quote for the week



"When you stop expecting people to be perfect, than you can like them for who they are" by Donald Miller 

52 Steps To Improve Your Relationship

Beginning January 5th, 2015, each week I will email one small step or change in behavior that you can try for a week with your partner. Since it is often difficult to make and sustain "big" changes in one's life or relationship, these will be a series of small steps which are easier to gradually integrate into a couple's life and daily interactions.


If you are interested in participating, simply email me(victordancer@netzero.net) and I will add you to my data base for this program.


Please feel free to pass this information to any friends or family who might also be interested


Learn more: http://suffolknymarriagecounseling.com

Relationship Tip of the Week #96-Creating the Caring Connection

Why is it that our attempts to care for our partner often go unnoticed or unappreciated?

We may feel frustrated or hopeless about understanding what it takes to connect with our partner or for him/her to feel cared about. This often leads to resignation and giving up which leads to distance and the development of symptoms such as affairs, addictive behaviors or mental illness(depression, anxiety).

The caring connection begins by discovering what our partner needs and the best way to gain that information is to simply ask:

"Do you feel cared about by me? If yes, "what is it i am doing or saying that has created that feeling". If no, "what do you need from me to let you know that i care?".

When the answer comes, especially if it is a negative one, take a deep breath and listen. Even, if you believe that you have been doing what your partner claims is missing, make note that somehow it isn't working. Ask for more details of what it will take to help your message get through in a meaningful way. Take several days to think about what has been shared with you. If you are able to offer what has been requested, do so. Follow up with questions to find out if your shift in words, attitude, or behavior is working.

The process of asking the question, listening, and following through whenever possible is the beginning of creating the caring connection. Almost all partners will feel cared about if she/he knows that you really want to care for him/her.

Next week-gender issues in creating the caring connection

Relationship Tip of the Week #95-The Challenge of caring-Part 3

The Roots of Caring

Why does it seem so difficult to care for your partner in a long term relationship when that was all you wanted to do when you first met and couldn't do enough for each other?

In the initial stage of a relationship, we want to be close, love and be loved, care for and be cared for; so naturally we put our best foot forward. We minimize differences and maximize similarities. As our relationship progresses, we notice our differences more, we now feel constraints on our individual needs that had moved to the background as the couple's needs were the priority for both members.
We feel ourselves being more critical of some of what we consider our partner's shortcomings. As in social dancing, it is almost impossible, to dance so close without at some point stepping on each other's toes or hurting one another in some way at some point. This causes us to step back from one another and become more cautious and less trusting. Unfortunately,this is a natural process and has to happen when our differences collide as we attempt to navigate the challenges of living together.
Now we are more likely to keep score of who is caring for whom and our list of resentments begins to lengthen which makes it more difficult to give freely.

All of the above is also effected by our own childhood experience of being cared for by our parents or caregivers as well as our experience of being neglected. What did your parents teach you about relationships?
Were you indulged and grew up expecting that relationship were about you receiving?
Were you neglected and learned to take care of your own needs?
Were you taught that it was your responsibility to take care of your parents as their needs were more important than yours?
Were you taught the importance reciprocal relationships?-The need to give and receive

Next Week-How to care for your partner so she/he feel cared for.

Relationship Tip of the Week #94-The Challenge of Caring-part 2

What to do when you do not feel cared for by your partner?

It is very difficult to be a caring partner when you do not experience some form of reciprocity. Unfortunately, sharing this information with one's spouse often leads to defensiveness or an argument and it becomes easier to avoid such discussions which then leads to resignation, disappointment and disconnection

Here are my four suggestions to remedy this challenge:

1) Utilize the soft start up and say something like." I know that you care about me and love me. I would like to ask you to consider adding a daily hug and a weekly date night(or fill in your need for these two behaviors) for us to the ways in which you express your caring to me.

2) Invite your partner to have a discussion about the ways in which you each feel cared for. Let him/her go first and listen in a non-defensive manner. When it is your turn, attempt to say everything in a positive way(what you want) and avoid negative or attacking comments(what you do not want)

3) If you have not made any progress, suggest to your partner that you sign up for my year long program in gift giving in order to strengthen your relationship. If he/she appears resistant, suggest that you can do it for a few weeks and then both evaluate whether it is helpful so your partner does not feel trapped.
You can do this by emailing me at victordancer@netzero.net and requesting to participate.

4) If this does not work, sign up for the course and model it for your partner and ask after a month if she/he is feeling cared for by you. This is the hardest to do but often has the most profound effect since it shows you are ready to care even if your partner is not able.

Next Week: Exploring the Roots of Caring

Relationally Yours,

Victor

Relationship of the Week #93-The Challenge of Caring-part 1

Does your partner feel cared for by you?


Do you know what your partner considers caring?


What makes you feel cared about?


Have you shared with your parner the specific behaviors which create that feeling for you and been rebuffed?

The issue of caring for one's partner can be challenging since each individual experiences acts of caring in a unique way. What may be crucial for one person may be meaningless or even hurtful for another. Over the next six weeks i will be exploring different facets of caring.

Today, i encourage you to approach your partner with this seemingly simple question:

Do you feel cared for by me today? If your partner says yes, follow up with;

"What did i do or say that has given you that feeling? This is very valuable information if you want to be a caring spouse.

If your partner says "no"; take a deep breath and ask: What can I do right now that would give you that feeling?"

While this might seem easy, most people are frightened to ask this question because the answer might be a negative one. Try to keep in mind that this is information which will help you to know your partner in a deeper way. Whatever your partner says, take a deep breath and if you can do or say what she/he asks, of course, do it. If you need some time to process the information, say that you will take some time to consider what has been shared and will try to act in the future to be responsive to your partner's needs.

Next week: What to do when you do not feel cared for by your partner?

Relationship Tip of the Week #92-The Challenge of Caring

Why does it seem so difficult to act in a consistently caring manner for your partner?

Is it because you are too busy?

Is it because you are angry about something that he/she said or did to you?

Is it because you are too tired?

Is it because you are not receiving caring from your partner?

Over the next 6 weeks, i will be exploring this challenge in my blog posts and invite you to join me in my third series of 30 days of Gift Giving Exercises or for those who find that too great a challenge, my 4 Weeks of Gift Giving. If you sign up to participate, you will receive a daily e-mail from me each day for thirty days beginning on May 22nd with a suggested exercise in Gift Giving for your partner. If you choose the 4 weeks of Gift Giving, you will receive an e-mail on Monday with one exercise to be completed during the week and an e-mail on Friday with an exercise to be completed over the Weekend. Although it is preferable if both partners particpate together, one person can take this course and have a significant impact on his/her relationship.

If you are interested in signing up for this program which does not cost anything but your willingness to give to your partner, please e-mail me at victordancer@netzero.net and i will include you in my data base. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me by e-mail or call me at 631-928-4114.

Relationship Tip of the Week #91-I messages

This week i am featuring a blog by Dan Wile who has written the best book(After the Honeymoon) i have ever read on the communiation process of couples. Many authors offer their advice on how to have the best conversations but in real life, they rarely take place. Below, Dan Wile offers his take(written for therapists) on why the process often gets derailed and how to help couples create the best chance for a successful exchange:

TRANSLATING YOU-MESSAGES INTO I-MESSAGES- The task in Collaborative Couple Therapy is to turn fights into intimate conversations— or to put it in Thomas Gordon’s terms, to translate you-messages (“You hurt me”) into I-messages (“I feel hurt and then I feel angry”). When one partner sends the other a you-message, we move in, speak for the former, and show how it would sound if instead he or she had sent an I-message.

We need to be careful, however, since many I-messages contain hidden you-messages—and I don’t mean just obvious examples such as “I feel you are a jerk.” For example, in sending an I-message, people are told to say, “When you do such and such, I feel such and such.” “When you come home late, I feel hurt”—or sad or lonely or mad. Some communications skills trainers recommend stating the feeling first: “I feel hurt when you come home late.” In either case, the person being addressed is likely to hear the person speaking as saying: “You shouldn’t come home late” and “I feel hurt because you hurt me.” The person speaking is making a complaint—which is why he or she uses the words: “when you do such and such.” And a complaint is by nature a you-message. That person is saying, “You are doing something I don’t like” or “You are failing to do something I would like.” In using the “when you…I feel” formula, the speaker includes a feeling, but the complaint is still there, and the feeling (“I feel hurt”) often has a you-message hidden in it (“because you abandon me”). The “when you…I feel” formula does serve an important purpose, however. It limits the person’s complaint to a specific behavior (being late). There is no room for the inflammatory “always” (as in “Why are you always so late?”) or for character assassination (“You’re irresponsible,” “You’re inconsiderate” or “You think only about yourself”).

Use of the formula softens the accusation by excluding such escalation-promoting elements. In our efforts to translate the partners’ you-messages into I-messages, we engage in a different kind of softening. We acknowledge the doubts they might have about the fairness of their accusations, the fears they might have about how their partners might respond, and the wishes they might have about what they hope to accomplish. We can say, for example, speaking as one of the partners to the other, “I hope you don’t take this wrong.” Or “I know I’m being critical.” Or “I fear this might not go over well.” Or, “At the risk of saying something I will regret, I’m going to tell you that….” Or “I don’t want to ruin the good mood between us, but this has been on my mind.” Or “I hope I can find a way to say this that doesn’t just make you angry.” Or “I’m upset so I might not be saying this in the best possible way.” Or “I’ve had a bad day so I hope I’m not just taking it out on you.” Or “I know I’ve got some nerve complaining since I’m not so easy to live with.” Or, “I realize that it’s hard for you to get away sometimes, it’s just that….” Such examples of what people could (but generally don’t) say makes clear that what comes out our mouths is typically only a fragment of what goes on in our minds. In confiding their doubts, fears, and wishes, the partners would be bringing each other into their ongoing dialogue with themselves. They would be creating a meta-level—a platform—from which to look with each other at what is going on in their minds. They would be adding elements of an I-message to their you-message. But when people are upset, they are unlikely to do such confiding or, for that matter, to be able to use or even remember the “when you…I feel” formula. They sink into a grim, narrowed-down state in which they lose track of all doubts, fears, and wishes and just blurt out, “Why are you always so late? You’re selfish and inconsiderate.”

It is hard for people to send an I-message when they are in a you-message frame of mind—that is, when their neuro-circuits and neurotransmitters are in anger mode. Even if they manage to come up with the right words for an I-message, their tone of voice gives them away. Later, when they and their partners have calmed down—and if the issue at hand isn’t long-term and embittering—one partner may slip into I-message mode and reach out to the other: “I’m sorry I came on so strong about your being late.” Such acknowledgement might be too little too late. But it has the potential to shift the other into I-message mode—that is, the state of mind in which it is possible to send true I-messages. The partner who apologized for coming on strong is making him/herself vulnerable in a way that can disarm the other partner and trigger a cycle in which each (1) admits what he or she had just been denying, (2) appreciates the reasonableness of the other’s point of view, and (3) takes back many of his or her accusations.

Vulnerability inspires vulnerability. “Yes, but I’ve got to work harder to be on time.” “Yes, but I shouldn’t mind so much when you’re a little late.” “Maybe, but it’s still inconsiderate—and disrespectful.” “Yes, but I’ve got to remember that what drew me to you in the first place is your relaxed attitude: how you’re not always worried about getting everything done so perfectly and so exactly on time.” “Yes, and I need to remember that what drew me to you was how efficient and organized you are. I wanted some of that.” When partners shift from the you-message to the I-message frame of mind, they become different people and find themselves in a different relationship.

In conclusion: (1) you-messages come in various degrees and shades: expletives (“Go fuck yourself”), character assaults (“You’re selfish”), exaggeration (“You’re always late”), sarcasm (“I love how prompt you always are”), complaints (“You’re late”) and even certain I-messages (“I feel lonely” when said with a tone of voice that implies “You abandon me”). (2) To send a true I-message, partners need to be in the right frame of mind, one in which their anger or hurt has sufficiently quieted so they can reach out to the other. (3) You-messages are contagious (people receiving them are likely to respond with one of their own), and so are I-messages (vulnerability inspires vulnerability). (4) To the extent that we, their therapists, have not joined them in the you-message mode, we will be in position to translate their you-messages into true I-messages—by confiding (reporting) the complaint rather than making it, eliminating the barbed tone, and bringing in the speaker’s doubts, fears, and wishes.

To visit Dan Wile's Blog click below:

http://danwile.com/professional-training/my-blog/

Relationship Tip of the Week #90-Caring

If you want to take a quick check of the status of your relationship, ask your partner:
"Do you feel cared about by me at this moment?"

Many of us are frightened to ask this question because the answer may be no. And yet, what better way to find out if your partner has some issues that need to be addressed. Many men are afraid to open this door and let a barrage of complaints come through but will claim that they want their partner to be happy. Both partners often feel as if they are already doing everything they can to care for their partner and thus they often feel overwhelmed, unappreciated or simply hurt by their partner's statements.

It is actually an act of courage and caring at the same time to ask this question and hear where you stand with your partner.

If you are able to do this and your worse fears are realized and your partner is not feeling cared about, take a deep breath and listen to what is being said. You do not have to defend yourself(this will definitely make matters worse), nor come up with a quick solution or what may be an empty promise to change your behavior. Take a day to think about what your partner needs and whether you can truly make changes to help him/her to feel cared for by you. If you do not think you can meet your partner's requests, state that you will continue to think about what she/he needs and will remain open to the possibility of change. If you can stretch yourself to be more sensitive to what your partner needs than of course take action.

At the very least, the act of inquiring, will help the two of you to become more connected.

Relationship Tip of the Week #89-Instant Romance

If you have been feeling disconnected from your partner for a while and you want an instant fix, i suggest you find a copy of the song you used for your first dance at your wedding or a slow romantic song that has meaning for you and your partner, take your spouse's hand , turn down the lights, turn up the music, pull him/her to you, hold each other close as you move in unison and let the memory of the love that brought you together wash over your mind's eye.

If you don't have a favorite romantic song, i offer a brief list of mine:

Have i told you lately that i love you? by Van Morrison
Just A Kiss by Lady Antebellum
At Last by Etta James or my favorite version by Red and the Red Hots(excellent swing band from the 90's) which is easier to dance to
I won't Let Go by Rascal Flatts.
Someone Like You by Van Morrison
I Finally Found Someone by Barbara Streisand and Bryan Adams

If you have a favorite romantic song, please e-mail it to me at victordancer@netzero.net and i will list it in one of my relationship tips in March.

Relationship Tip of the Week #88-"I love you but i am not in love-Part 2

In my last post, i described how we "fall out of love" with our partner and the symptom of no longer "being in love" with him or her.

Is it possible to get that feeling back after losing it?

I believe that it is but that both partners must be willing to work at it and confront some painful truths.

First, there has to be a willingness to share the hurts and disappointments that each have experienced over the years and a commitment to address them in a non-defensive way.

Second, each has to be ready to bring positive energy and an openness to one an other's needs.

Third, if there are any addictions that have developed, they must be addressed.

Fourth, the couple must make a significant effort to spend quality time together and bring an attitude of fun to the experiences they share

Fifth, each must express an interest in one an other's life(work, parenting hobbies) apart from the couple.

Sixth, hold an honest discussion of your physical connection and commit to explore your needs for affection and sexual intimacy.

Seventh, each must make time together a top priority despite the demands of today's busy society.

If this sounds a lot like what happens when most couples meet and fall in love-of course it is- except for number one as the couple has not experienced the challenges and differences that surface in a living relationship.

While you can never get back the feelings of infatuation and newness of a relationship that has just started, you can feel deeply connected and a joy at being together with someone that truly knows and cares about you.

Relationship Tip of the Week #87-"I Love You but I am not in Love"-Part 1

One of the phrases i often hear in my office from one of the partners who have come for marital help is "I love you but i am not in love with you". Understandably, this is a very distressing experience for both members of a couple. There is fear that the feeling of "being in love" will never return and this means that the relationship is over. It is often puzzling as to how this happened. It is also confusing as to what can be done to restore the feelings of love and sexual attraction that bring most couples together.

While relationships are complex and there do not appear to be simple answers to the challenge of partnering in this day and age, i believe that this phenomena is most easily explained by understanding how we protect ourselves from feelings of hurt and woundedness that take place on a daily basis: our partner disappoints us; forgets a request; does not understand what we are saying; acts rejecting; is insensitive to our needs; acts in ways we experiece as selfish; calls us derogatory names; is impatient; speaks in a patronizing manner; rejects our requests for affection or sexual intimacy, to name just a few.

Naturally, any of the above at the very least sting and sometimes are experienced as a deep wound in our heart or psyche. If there are many acts of love or tenderness to counterbalance the inevitable hurts that take place, we recover, repair and reconcile. If the pain becomes too frequent, we become cautious around our partner, lose trust in their good will, love and caring for us and begin to see them as "the enemy". In order to protect ourselves, we begin to close our heart and mind to our partner. While this does indeed miminmize the hurt that we experience, it does not allow any love that is coming our way to be felt and also does not allow any love we feel in our hearts to be expressed.

Thus we may have a place in our mind of connectedness from earlier days in the relationship that we remember and ways in which our partner still is helpful which allow us to say we love our partner, but we are now cut off from our own feelings of tenderness and vulnerability and we become isolated in our relationship.

Next Week-What can be done to re-awaken our "feelings of love".

Relationship Tip of The Week #86-The Conversation-the challenge of gender

In order to help facilitate "The Couple's Conversation", i am listing below some of the gender differences that contribute to making this process more challenging. Of course, not all men and women are alike and there are always exceptions to prove the rule; however, most of the elements listed below will be recognized by most couples.

1) Women are more comfortable having longer conversations which makes it frustrating for them when men want to end the discussion prematurely.

2) Men have less interest in many of the details that women want to share and want to get to the point or solve the problem.

3) Since men are not as comfortable with "our relationship" talks as women, they will often avoid or put off the discussions which feels very uncaring and unloving to women.

4) Men will respond more quickly with anger when hurt or cornered which makes it difficult for women to not become fearful.

5) Women will often respond with hurt and tears to conflict or accusations which cause men to shut down and withdraw as they are uncomfortable with sadness and feel guilty for causing their partner's pain.

6) It generally takes men longer to calm themselves down when their anger is activated making relationship repair more difficult for women as they usually want to re-establish the connection more quickly.

7) Men will focus on logic and women will zero in on emotion which leads both to feel frustrated when trying to have what each considers a resonable conversation.

Obviously, these differences have been present for a long time and will not likley disappear in the near future.

So what can you do?

I believe the simple recognition of these differences by each partner can help to minimize taking certain gender communication styles personally. Keeping these differences in the back of your mind will also allow you to give your partner the benefit of the doubt and utilize softer and more caring approaches when holding "The Conversation".

Next Week: Individuation

Relationship Tip of The Week #85-The Conversation-The Challenge of Consistency

As most of us would agree. the challenge of consistency is one of the keys to developing any new skill. Whether it be sports, eating healthily, learning to use the computer, or communicating with your spouse, you must practice regularly until the skill becomes an integrated part of your life. Most skills do not come easily to most of us and it is not uncommon to give up or decide that we can't really succeed or it is a skill that is not too important. However, i think most of us would acknowledge that talking with our partner in an effective manner is a skill that is worth learning.

What can you do to overcome the challenge of consistency in speaking with and listening to your partner?

1) Speak with your partner about making a commitment to holding "The Couple's Conversation" at least once a week for three months. Recognize that it may be difficult and it is important that you support each other and keep your eye on the goal as you face the inevitable discomfort that comes with developing any new skill.
2) Read the blogs that i have written on this topic together and discuss them with one another before you start.
3) Set aside a certain time(no more than half an hour) each week with a back-up plan in case there is a legitimate reason to have to change the time.
4) Support and encourage each other after each session and look for the progress as well as the areas that may need more attention.
5) Do not criticize each other even if it goes poorly, but rather talk about the difficulty in staying with something that may be challenging or painful.
6) If you are running into stumbling blocks that you cannot overcome, set up a consultation with a therapist who specializes in this type of work.
7) Do not give into your own or your partner's desires to stop talking even when "The Conversation" goes poorly.
8) Remind each other that much of life that is worth while takes true effort.
9) Try to end each session with a heartfelt hug and kiss.

Relationship Tip of The Week #84-The Conversation-Attitude is Everything-Part 5

This is a continuation of last week's blog:

So what other options do you have to overcome the challenges that interfere with your being the best possible listener or speaker that you can be in "The Conversation".

5) If your partner does the same thing of which he is accusing you, that doesn't mean your behavior doesn't bother him. If you want to act caring about your partner, your focus needs to be on ackowledging the discomfort he is experiencing and attempting to alleviate it if possible. If his behavior is similar, you can always ask that he pay attention to hearing your concerns but this is not the time to do it. If you do, your response will be seen as defensive and dismissive.

6) Yes, it is unfair that you have made requests to have your concerns addressed and your partner has not responded; however, this is not the time to point that out or use this to justify your not being responsive. What you can do in your relationship is to clean up your side of the street and be a model of the caring person that you would like your partner to be.

7) Of course it is frustrating to have made the same requests what may seem like a 100 times or in fact you have made the same concern known one hundred times; however, it in order to act in a caring manner, it is more helpful to take the approach that whatever you are presenting or behavioral change you are requesting is obviously difficult for your partner to give you for some reason unknown to you or perhaps to him. Exploring this is a caring manner rather than an accusing or adversarial approach will be much more inviting and may uncover what is needed for your partner to take you seriously and take action.

8) It is almost impossible not to get angry if you see your partner rolling his eyes or crossing his arms in front of his chest or pointing his finger towards you or turning away or not looking at you. In order to be the best speaker or listner, remind yourself how challenging it is for you to be open when you are being critiqued or being asked to do something that you think is unfair or being blamed for something you believe is untrue. Keep this in mind as you attempt over and over to truly put yourself in your spouse's shoes and see the issue from her perspective. This will help you to be more compassionate and not react so strongly to your partner's behavior and focus on how to continue "The Conversation" in a positive and effective way.

Next Week: The Challenge of Consistency

Relationship Tip of The Week #83-The Conversation-Attitude is Everything-Part 4

So what can you do to overcome the challenges that interfere with your being the best possible listener or speaker that you can be in "The Conversation".

1) When you are flooded by impulses to respond angily to your partner's concerns or criticisms, take deep breaths and ask yourself how would you like your partner to respond to you if you were to share your concerns. Take more deep breaths, calm down and be the person you would like your partner to be for you.

2) While your partner's comments may make no sense to you, it is because you are not understanding how he/she has come to her/his view. When your partner is finshed, ask for help in gaining a clearer picture of how she/he has arrived at her/his perspective. This is not for the purpose of gathering information so that you can use it later in your rebuttal, but to create a sense of caring which takes place when one person truly tries to understnad another.

3) If you know you are already stressed and will have a hard time listening or presenting your concerns in a caring, respectul way, do not engage in "the conversation" but let your spouse know that it is because you are stressed and you do want to listen to her/him or speak with her/him at a time when you can be fully present.

4) When you haven't felt loved lately it is difficult to be loving or respond positively to someone who is angry or disappointed in you; however, ask yourself if you want to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say that you didn't give 100% to the relationship because it was hard or rather that when times were tough, you rose to the challenge and you continued to lead the way for a caring relationship even though it was not easy.

Next week: More on overcoming the challenges to being a caring partner when having "the conversation".

Relationship Tip of The Week #82-The Conversation-Attitude is Everything-Part 3

Why is it so hard to maintain an attitude of caring when you are speaking with or listening to your partner about concerns in your relationship?
You start out with good intentions but as your partner speaks, you can't help but get angry and interrupt or talk over him/her to point out the error of what he/she is saying.

Let's take a look at the factors which make it so challenging to listen or speak with love.

1) The very nature of the conversation, no matter how well it is stated, will be experienced as a criticism of your behavior or the way you think. This will in turn stir up the reptilian part of your brain which will send adrenaline into your system to help protect you from what is now being perceived as a significant threat.
2) What your partner expresses makes no sense to you and it is hard to see it from her/his perspective.
3) You are already stressed out from work, the children or finances and this is pushing you over the edge.
4) You haven't felt very connected or loved lately by your spouse, so why should you stretch yourself to act caringly and listen to him/her.
5) Your partner does the same thing of which you are being accused.
6) You recently pointed out some of your concerns and they were ignored or the changes you requested weren't made.
7) You have raised this issue 100 times before and you are already annoyed that you have to bring it up again.
8) Your partner's body image is already indicating an unwillingness to take you seriously.

If you have any additional factors which impact upon you and would like to add, please e-mail them to me at victordancer@netzero.net and i will try to address them in my next post

Next week: How to meet these challenges and overcome them

Relationship Tip of The Week #81-The Conversation-Attitude is Everything-Part 2

So what does a good attitude for the speaker sound like?

John Gottman, the foremost researcher on marriage in our country, called his approach to initiating a conversation about concerns in the relationship: "the soft start up".
Unfortunately, many people think that this means that you speak softly when you are expressing yourself. While it certainly helps to moderate your voice, the most important aspect of a successful conversation is again "the attitude" with which you approach your partner.

If you are already angry and on the edge of exploding because you have discussed the problem 100 times before without any success, it would be helpful to take some time by yourself to calm down. What do you want to accomplish? If it is to express anger and frustration, you will most likely not find a sympathetic ear. If it is to help your partner to understand why you are distressed about certain behaviors or interactions, than consider the following:

1) Remember before starting that this is the person that you love most of the time.
2) Can you start by giving the benefit of the doubt? Perhaps, despite your best efforts, there are reasons that your partner has not been able to respond to previous requests which either he/she or you do not fully understand.
3) If you do not want your partner to respond as an adversary, don't act like one. Keep the importance of the relationship foremost in your mind. This means that you may not get a resolution of your concerns immediately or that a compromise may be necessary.
4) If you want to be heard, it is best to ask for that before you start by requesting that your partner not respond or interrupt you; but take a few hours or a day to think about what you have said before getting back to you.
5) Communicate your willingness to be a good listener when your partner is ready to share with you about the topic you have raised.

Next Week-Why it is so hard to maintain a good attitude despite our best intentions