Relationship Tip of the Week #57-Being The Best Partner You Can Be-Find fun Activities to share-Part 5

In today's world of both partners working, increasing financial pressures as well as the demands of being good parents, it is very easy for the couple's connection to be put on the back burner.

How often do you make time for just the two of you?
Are there activities that you both enjoy and can share together?
When was the last time that you were relaxed and felt close to one another?

In my opinion, spending alone time at least once a week is the minimum for maintaining a strong connection. I have often heard couples complain that they do not share the same interests. It has always been hard for me to believe with all the hobbies, activities and options for learning and playing that exist in our society that a couple who wants to develop a shared interest cannot find one.

Try this exercise if you are having trouble agreeing on something to do together:

Separately, each person write down twenty activities that he/she would like to do as a couple.
When finished sit down and compare your lists. Obviously, if there are any matches, you have a starting point. If there are no matches, ask if your partner would be willing to give at least one or two of your choices a try and you offer to do the same.
If you still have not agreed on an activity, then each take the next week to come up with twenty more experiences that you would like to try. Do research on the internet, ask friends and family what they like to do for fun. Allow yourself to be creative.
Most importantly do this with a positive spirit and willingness to have a good time with your partner.

Relationship Tip of the Week #56-Being the Best partner You Can Be-Understand your own defensiveness-Part 4

Even the best communication regarding some issue with which your partner is unhappy, can cause you to become defensive. Why is that? If you are being the best partner you can be, wouldn't you want to know what distresses your partner so you can try to address it and alleviate any pain that she/he might be experiencinng.

Unfortunately, the human brain does not work that way. Any criticism or unhappiness is first experienced as an attack on our being. The reptilian part of our brain warns us that we have to protect ourselves and that instinctual message is sent before the neo-cortex part of our brain can remind us that this is not an attack on our life but simply our partner wanting some help for her/his distress.

What we can do about this automatic response that usually is the beginning of an unsatisfying arguement?

1) Use the age old suggestion of counting to 10 before responding. This allows you to get your neo-cortex in gear and remind yourself that this person with whom you are about to go to war, is our partner whom you were loving just moments ago and not your mortal enemy.
2) Ask yourself why i am getting so upset about my partner's opinion or wishes. I do not have to do anything about what she/he is saying at this moment. I can take sometime to think about it. If it is a criticism or request for change, this does not mean that he/she no longer love you or will never love you agian
3) Is there any truth to what your partner is saying. Take some time to take an honest look at what you might be doing to contribute to the issue that is being raised. This is very difficult but can be accomplished with practice.
4) Think about your own insecurity and your need for other's approval in order to feel okay. Is this what is fueling your defensiveness.
5) Does your sensitivity to criticism come in part from too many negative messages from your parents or early caregivers or teachers?
6) Consider that your partner is only one person in the world and her/his opinion or displeasure may be also caused by some stresses other than your behavior of which he/she may not be aware and your willingness to listen may be all that is needed.

Relationship Tip of the Week #55-Being the Best Partner You Can Be-Giving the benefit of the doubt-Part 3

How many of us really give our partner the benefit of the doubt? Often as a result of many negataive experiences with our partner around certain issues we begin to assume the worst when similar situations arise. This is certainly normal as no one wants to be taken for a fool or be hurt for the umpteenth time. Why shouldn't we protect ourselves? We aren't the ones at fault.

The problem with this approach of guilty until proven innocent is that it is almost guaranteed to cause the opposite of what we want. What we really want is for our partner to be honest with us and stop the particular behavior that we are finding hurtful.

So what can you do?

1) Calm yourself down before confronting your partner. Remind yourself that this is the person who you love and who loves you even though his/her behavior may not support that feeling in the moment.
2) Consider that the particular behavior may be more complicated than you are aware. Your partner may have an addiction, or mental illness or an unconscious or subconscious behavior pattern of which she/he is not fully aware.
3) Take a position of being your partner's best friend rather than prosecutor, judge and jury.
4) Consider that your partner may also be in pain and not have a decent way of expressing it
5) If you want your partner to be honest, you have to be willing to hear his/her point of view even if it sounds like an excuse or an unwillingness to take responsibility for his/her behavior
6) Ask yourself what is my goal in confronting this situation. How will i accomplish it?

If you have a more caring attitude going into your conversation, you will be better able to use some of these phrases as starting points for giving "the benefit of the doubt".

1) "You may have not realized that what you did was hurtful to me."
2) "You may not have remembered that i spoke with you about this before."
3) "I know that what i may be asking may be hard for you to do."
4) "Perhaps i was not clear about this issue in the past,"
5) "I do not believe that you would want to do something hurtful on purpose."
6) "I know that this is a touchy subject which we do not seem to have fully resolved."

Relationship Tip of the Week #54-Being The Best Partner You Can Be-Part 2

This week i am listing the behaviors and attitudes that i believe are a part of the essence of "Being the best partner you can be":

1) Give your partner the benefit of the doubt-don't assume the worst
2) When your partner expresses his/her concerns, listen with an open heart and mind
3) Explore and understand your own defensiveness
4) Whenever possible be inviting rather than demanding
5) Express your concerns about the relationship in non threatening ways
6) Take the time to understand how your partner thinks and feels
7) Put time, energy and love into your partnership on a daily basis
8) Find fun activities to share together
9) Be honest
10) Be willing to face your differences and find creative ways to either solve them or live with them in love and tolerance.

In the following ten weeks, i will describe each of the above in more detail.

Relationship of the Week #53-Being the Best Partner You Can Be-Part 1

All to often in our relationships, it is far easier to focus your attention on what is not being given to you or how one's partner is acting. In this four part series of posts, i will offer my view of the most effective way to change a relationship-Being The Best partner You Can Be

This can be very confusing at times since it is not always clear what this means and how to carry it out effectively. I will first list what it is not:

1) Doing whatever your partner wants
2) Giving into requests that go against the core of your value system
3) Basing it soley on your partner's view of how you should act
4) Trying to anticipate your partner's needs
5) Putting yourself second
6) Enabling your partner's addictive behaviors

Next week, i will talk about what i consider to be the essence of "Being The Best Partner You can Be"

Relationship Tip of the Week #52-Its the Little Things That Count-Part 3

You know that it would help to follow through on my suggestions for positive interaction in the previous two blogs but you are stuck. What can you do?

Overcoming Your Resistance

1) Start with a small committment-Do one of the actions for a week
2) Think of these behaviors as an experiment; not something you will have to do forever-if they work you can continue, if not you can try something else.
3) Imagine how you would feel if your partner was initiating these actions and whether it would stimulate loving feelings in you.
4) By following through when angry or hurt, you will be able to demonstrate to yourself that you do not have to be controlled by your emotions and model this behavior to your partner.
5) Consider that every positive action you make in your relationship is letting your partner know that you condider him/her a priority in your life

Next week-Being the Best Partner You Can Be

Relationship Tip of the Week #51-It's the little things that count-Part 2

Last week i listed three simple actions that are almost guaranteed to improve your relationship and yet i am guessing that most of you were not able to follow through on these suggestons consistently or even at all.

Why is this so difficult?

1) Hurt and Anger-Once your partner disappoints you or does something which stimulates your anger, it is very difficult to remember to do the "little things" or if you do remember it is hard to give something to someone who has evoked emotional pain.
2) "Why am I the only one who is giving?" It is normal to feel angry if your partner is not giving anything back to you.
3) "I will teach him/her a lesson so she/he can see how it feels"-It makes sense when you are angry to hold back to see if your partner realizes what is missing or being taken for granted.
4) These behaviors feel articifical, awkward and corny.
5) If your relationship has been suffering for a long time and you have feelings of despair about ever feeling loved or cared for it is hard to believe that activities that are so simple could really have an impact when the problems you face and the differences that have emerged are so great.

How can you overcome these challenging feelings? Next week i will conclude with a post on overcoming your resistance to being the best partner you can be.