Relationship Tip of The Week #83-The Conversation-Attitude is Everything-Part 4

So what can you do to overcome the challenges that interfere with your being the best possible listener or speaker that you can be in "The Conversation".

1) When you are flooded by impulses to respond angily to your partner's concerns or criticisms, take deep breaths and ask yourself how would you like your partner to respond to you if you were to share your concerns. Take more deep breaths, calm down and be the person you would like your partner to be for you.

2) While your partner's comments may make no sense to you, it is because you are not understanding how he/she has come to her/his view. When your partner is finshed, ask for help in gaining a clearer picture of how she/he has arrived at her/his perspective. This is not for the purpose of gathering information so that you can use it later in your rebuttal, but to create a sense of caring which takes place when one person truly tries to understnad another.

3) If you know you are already stressed and will have a hard time listening or presenting your concerns in a caring, respectul way, do not engage in "the conversation" but let your spouse know that it is because you are stressed and you do want to listen to her/him or speak with her/him at a time when you can be fully present.

4) When you haven't felt loved lately it is difficult to be loving or respond positively to someone who is angry or disappointed in you; however, ask yourself if you want to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and say that you didn't give 100% to the relationship because it was hard or rather that when times were tough, you rose to the challenge and you continued to lead the way for a caring relationship even though it was not easy.

Next week: More on overcoming the challenges to being a caring partner when having "the conversation".

Relationship Tip of The Week #82-The Conversation-Attitude is Everything-Part 3

Why is it so hard to maintain an attitude of caring when you are speaking with or listening to your partner about concerns in your relationship?
You start out with good intentions but as your partner speaks, you can't help but get angry and interrupt or talk over him/her to point out the error of what he/she is saying.

Let's take a look at the factors which make it so challenging to listen or speak with love.

1) The very nature of the conversation, no matter how well it is stated, will be experienced as a criticism of your behavior or the way you think. This will in turn stir up the reptilian part of your brain which will send adrenaline into your system to help protect you from what is now being perceived as a significant threat.
2) What your partner expresses makes no sense to you and it is hard to see it from her/his perspective.
3) You are already stressed out from work, the children or finances and this is pushing you over the edge.
4) You haven't felt very connected or loved lately by your spouse, so why should you stretch yourself to act caringly and listen to him/her.
5) Your partner does the same thing of which you are being accused.
6) You recently pointed out some of your concerns and they were ignored or the changes you requested weren't made.
7) You have raised this issue 100 times before and you are already annoyed that you have to bring it up again.
8) Your partner's body image is already indicating an unwillingness to take you seriously.

If you have any additional factors which impact upon you and would like to add, please e-mail them to me at victordancer@netzero.net and i will try to address them in my next post

Next week: How to meet these challenges and overcome them

Relationship Tip of The Week #81-The Conversation-Attitude is Everything-Part 2

So what does a good attitude for the speaker sound like?

John Gottman, the foremost researcher on marriage in our country, called his approach to initiating a conversation about concerns in the relationship: "the soft start up".
Unfortunately, many people think that this means that you speak softly when you are expressing yourself. While it certainly helps to moderate your voice, the most important aspect of a successful conversation is again "the attitude" with which you approach your partner.

If you are already angry and on the edge of exploding because you have discussed the problem 100 times before without any success, it would be helpful to take some time by yourself to calm down. What do you want to accomplish? If it is to express anger and frustration, you will most likely not find a sympathetic ear. If it is to help your partner to understand why you are distressed about certain behaviors or interactions, than consider the following:

1) Remember before starting that this is the person that you love most of the time.
2) Can you start by giving the benefit of the doubt? Perhaps, despite your best efforts, there are reasons that your partner has not been able to respond to previous requests which either he/she or you do not fully understand.
3) If you do not want your partner to respond as an adversary, don't act like one. Keep the importance of the relationship foremost in your mind. This means that you may not get a resolution of your concerns immediately or that a compromise may be necessary.
4) If you want to be heard, it is best to ask for that before you start by requesting that your partner not respond or interrupt you; but take a few hours or a day to think about what you have said before getting back to you.
5) Communicate your willingness to be a good listener when your partner is ready to share with you about the topic you have raised.

Next Week-Why it is so hard to maintain a good attitude despite our best intentions

Relationship Tip of The Week #80-The Conversation-Attitude is Everything

While I believe there are better ways to speak to one's partner than most of us utilize, the most important element in a successful "Conversation" is not the "psychologically correct" words, but rather your attitude.

Are you communicating anger, distrust, contempt even though you may be saying the right words or not yelling? Are you disgusted or feeling hopeless with your efforts to reach your spouse? Are you not really listening? Are you already formulating your answer or some form of defense to what your partner is sharing as he/she is still speaking? What does your body language say? Eyes rolling? Glazing over? Arms crossed? Not making eye contact?

Attitude is Everything.

So what does a good attitude for the listener look like?

When your partner is sharing, you make him/her the most important person(you put your own thoughts and feelings to the background while you listen). You want to know and understand what is of concern to the one you love. Why is she/he feeling a certain way? What can you do to help improve the situation? You want to ackowledge that your partner's experience is valid even though you may not understand it or agree with it. You want to just listen if that is what is being asked. If a response is being requested, you want to think before you talk and take time to consider your partner's point of view and not make a knee-jerk defensive comment. Your goal is to create a space in the relationship in which your partner ends up feeling you care and are trying to consider his/her concerns.

How do you know if you have been a successful listener?

Your partner tells you that she/he feels listened to and understood. This does not mean you agree with everything shared but you are not dismissing her/his point of view or negating her/his experience of your relationship.

Next Week: Good Attitude on the part of the speaker

Relationship Tip of the Week #79- The Conversation-Part 3

So when should you hold the conversation? This is a double edged sword, as there never seems to be a "right time". If you are getting along and enjoying each other, why ruin the day. If you are bickering or arguing, a talk will only make it worse. On top of that many men have the belief; "If ain't broke don't fix it". Thus, if their wife is not complaining, they will rarely start a conversation to explore how their partner is feeling about the relationship.

Obviously, like going to the gym or doing anything which is difficult, you must make a commitment to follow through on a regualr basis despite your feelings at the moment. Set a day and time that works for both partners. Right before bed is rarely a good time as a challenging topic can cause a sleepless night. Early in the morning only works if both are early risers. Negotiate a time and then agree to try it for a month and evaluate if it is working after 4 talks. If it is not, try a new time for a month.

While it is important to be flexible if something comes up to prevent the conversation from being held at the agreed upon time, a substitute time should be agreed upon at that point, otherwise, another week may easily pass without talking about one another's concerns.

If one partner appears to be resistant to holding the conversation, it is important that the other partner be encouraging and supportive to moving forward rather than critical, angry or pointing out that this means there is no love or caring.

Next Week: Attitude Is Everything

Relationship Tip of the Week #78-The Conversation-Part 2

It is my belief that the one skill a couple has to master to promote intimacy as well as protect the partners from divorce is "The Conversation". What does this actually look like?


At an agreed upon set time each week the couple holds a conversation(should not last longer than a half hour and if done regularly will most likely take only10-20 minutes). Each member has the opportunity to share concerns about the relationship, information about events or experiences that she/he may not have shared during the past week, and positive feelings and appreciation about which he/she may not have had time to let his/her partner know.


In theory,this sounds very simple;however, as you most likely know this is very difficult to actually do on a regular basis for a variety of reasons. Each week i will address a different aspect of holding a successful conversation and offer tips to help you become skilled in this form of communication which is one of the most loving acts that partners can offer to one another.

Next week-When to hold "The Conversation

Relationship Tip of the Week #77-The Couple's Dialogue-Shift in Expectations-Part 1

In the 1950's the roles of men and women were very well defined and expectations were clear-men went to work and were providers; women took care of the children and were homemakers. In the 1970's, the women's movement advocated for equal job opportunities, pay and recognition of their economic contribution as homemakers. Men were not so eager to be liberated as they had always had the upper hand in terms of power and position in work and decision making in the family

As women became a larger part of the workforce, they began to expect men to do more around the house, play a greater role in caring for the children and to share decision making in the home equally. With a decrease in emotional support from family (people were living further and further away from their families of origin) community and religious institutions, women looked to men for a deeper emotional connection and a deeper level of contact and support.

Unfortunately, there has not been the necessary development of new skills and attitudes to achieve this new level of couple cooperation and caring. Over the next 12 weeks, I will be writing about the most important skill needed to promote stability and understanding in today's relationships as well as the challenges that must be met in order to change the ways men and women express their love and acceptance of one another.

Next Week-The Conversation