Relationship ip of the Week #67-Long Standing Issues-Part 1

One of the most challenging problems for most couples is what to do about issues that have been part of the relationship for many years. These can be small irritating behaviors like leaving the cap off the toothpaste, forgetting to take out the garbage, coming home late for dinner or annoying eating habits. These can also be potential deal breakers such as whether to have children, major sexual differences, or addictions.

Today, i will address the former. So what does your partner do that annoys you and no matter how many times you have addressed it there is no change or any shift in behavior is short-lived? These are often deeply ingrained habits or ways of viewing the world that do not easily yield to reasonable requests or angy outbursts.

Here is my approach to this difficult challenge:

1) Since it is impossible to change another person, start by altering your own behavior and attitudes.
A) Calm yourself down-Is this issue as important to your overall happiness and well being as you are making it?
B) Give your partner the benefit of the doubt-perhaps the behavior in question is really difficult to change even though it appears to be a no-brainer to you.
C) Try a more positive approach in your requests. Ask with an open heart.
D) Do not give up when change does not occur immediately or there are relapses.
E) Look for ways to create new structures(set the clock ahead for lateness) or rituals(share a cup of coffee or tea after the garbage is taken out) which will encourage shifts in behavior.
F) Always reinforce any movement in the direction you are seeking with sincere expressions of warmth and love.
G) Thank your partner for the effort even though you believe that what you are asking is very simple and should require a minimum of energy.
H) Do not make it about whether your partner loves you.
I) Maintain your sense of humor.
J) Do not demean your partner's attempt to change even if it is not exactly what you requested.

Next Week-Deal Breakers

Relationship Tip of the Week #66-How To Avoid Resentment Buildup

One little question and a lot of courage is all it takes to avoid one of the largest problems most couples face-Resentment Buildup.
How do you know when your partner's distance or irritability is being caused by some issue that he/she is not talking about. Besides if she/he is not talking, why ask for trouble-"If it ain't broke, don't fix it". Why ruin a good day or evening?
Unfortunately, when we do not talk to each other about the concerns in our relationship, symptoms begin to develop-distance, irritability, lack of sexual desire, addictive behaviors, depression or anxiety to name a few.
Take a deep breath, remember there is never a really a good time to talk about challenges, call up your courage and keep in mind that you are expressing your love and taking responsibility for attending to your realtionship and then ask:

Is there anything that you have not said to me this week that you are holding back or is troubling you?

Of course, the really hard part comes when your partner tells you a concern that is bothering him/her. Take another deep breath and whatever it is, thank her/him for sharing and say you will give it some thought and get back to him/her tomorrow. Even if you are not in agreement, you have helped the couple to have the opportunity to confront the problem rather than burying it and have it come back to "bite you" when you are least expecting it.

Next week: What about issues that are long standing and only cause fights when you try to talk about them.

Relationship Tip of the Week #65-How to end any arguement

How many of us have found ourselves involved in what seems to be a neverending arguement? Or the same arguement for the umpteenth time? Yelling, screaming, and tears usually ending with one partner giving in simply to end what feels like torture.

One simple sentence can put an end to this destructive behavior that most couples experience with some regularity:

"I will take what you are saying into consideration and give it some thought and get back to you tomorrow."

Naturally, there has to be a sincere willingness to do what you are saying. What is the best way to go about it?

1) Take some time to cool down and let the neo cortex(adult thinking) part of your brain kick into gear.
2) Ask yourself honestly if what your partner is saying has any validity. Even if there is only part of what has been said that you can see; acknowlege to yourself what legitimate points he/she has made.
3) Try to think out of the box. Are there options that you have not considered?
4) Remember this is your life partner for whom you often have loving feelings.
5) Make sure that you get back to your partner the next day whether it seems to be the right time or not. Share what you have come up with and ask your partner to not respond until she/he has given some consideration to what you have presented and get back to you the next day.

Obviously, this slows down the interactive process and gives each partner a chance to think more clearly. While this may not solve your differences, it will give you a better chance for resolution because each person has time to deal with his/her own anger and respond with more thoughtful and loving responses.

Relationship Tip of the Week #64-on Being Right-Part 2-Alternatives

So what are the best ways to defuse an "I'm Right and You're Wrong Situation" ?

1) If it is a disagreement over something relatively small like the day or time something took place, reframe the discussion by saying " we obviously remember it differently". If your partner insists that his/her version is correct; ask yourself why you are fighting over this relatively insignificant piece of information. If there is not a really good reason, simply say, well you could be right so i am not going to argue over this. Remember "it takes two to tangle" and if one lets go of the struggle the arguement ends.

2) If the diasgreement is about something that seems more important like financial or career decisions, you can shift the discussion, by saying, "clearly we have two different views and each believes we are right. How about you go first and present your points and i will listen without interrupting and then when you are finished, i will present my points and then lets take a day to consider the possibility of compromise, alternative choices or a change in one of our ways of thinking and then revisit it tomorrow and see where we are".

3) If each of you feel very strongly about her/his belief and there is no movement towards one of the views or a middle ground, it is best to state "it appears we are stuck or at an impasse". Suggest that you take a week off and then revisit the impasse. If you are still stuck, it is important to ackowledge that each of you feel stongly about his/her position but fighting or trying to convince each other about who is right and who is wrong can only lead to distancing and disconnection. This may not solve the immediate situation but stepping back sometimes puts a situation in perspective or it may resolve due to circumstances beyond either person's control.

However, there are long standing impasses or differences which appear to be unresolvable and feel like "dealbreakers". I will write about these in next week's blog.

Relationship Tip of the Week #63-On Being Right-Part 1- The Problem

Is there anyone who doesn't like "being right". It is so satisfying, so validating. You knew it all along. Even though your partner kept arguing with you. It is hard not to gloat.; to say "I told you so".
And yet, in a relationship there is a price to pay. "Being right" rarely brings your partner closer to you. Why is that? Because "being wrong" feels really bad and your partner now sees you as the one responsible for causing those feelings.
So what are you supposed to do? Not stand up for yourself and your beliefs or the facts? Agree with your partner when in your heart or head you know he/she is wrong? What if you don't get your partner to see the error in her/his thinking? It could have a very negative impact on your relationship in many important ways: mistakes in child rearing, finances, career choices or lesser issues such as an unhappy evening out or a poor choice in what to order for dinner or where to go for the winter vacation.
How often have you spent the evening in a hostile debate that started about what day such and such happened or who said what or the exact time someone came home?
Tune in next week when i will be discussing some of the most effective approaches for dealing with this challenging part of being a couple.

Relationship Tip of the Week #62-10 Ways to Become Healthier as a Couple-Part 2

This week i am continuing with numbers 6-10 from Michelle Schoffro Cook's suggestions for ways to become healthier as a couple:

6) "Give each other a foot rub. Pressure points in our feet correspond to organs, glands and tissues in the rest of our bodies. By activating these points in your partner's feet, you're helping them with whole-body healing. Find a sore spot? Gently massage that point a bit longer."
7) "Share a pot of herbal tea instead of soda or other less-than-healthy beverages. Choose acai berry for a healing antioxidant blast, ginseng for energy, peppermint for a refreshing boost or licorice root to boost your immune system. Tea is so much nicer when it's shared."
8) "Regularly share words of support and encouragement. Making health changes can be challenging sometimes. Simply sharing words of praise and encouragement can make our days a little bit brighter."
9) "Take a moment out of your hectic schedule to meditate together. Meditation is an opportunity to release tension, become mindful of ourselves and the person we share life with."
10) "Do stretching exercises together. A partner can help us get a bit deeper into that stretch. There are some excellent books and videos that can show you how to do couples' yoga or other stretches together."

Relationship Tip of the Week #61-10 ways to become healthier as a couple-part 1

I recently came accross ten suggestions for becoming a healthier couple on a blog written by Michelle Schoffo Cook and thought they would be of interest to my readers. Here are the first five:

1) "Start a detox program together. Many toxins produce hormone-like effects that alter our delicate hormone balance, making us vulnerable to mood swings, irritability, depression and other health concerns. By detoxifying together you'll have the support you need to stick to it."
2) "Give each other a full body massage. Not only will it improve your circulation and relax your muscles, it is an intimate way to become closer."
3) "Hit the sauna together to eliminate toxins while sweating. Many harmful toxins exit the body though our pores in sweat. Sauna-ing healps our bodies to eliminate them faster".
4) "Prepare nutritious meals to support your health goals. By sharing the workload, you'll find it easier to prepare healthy meals. And, you may find you enjoy trying new cuisines".
5) "Instead of slouching on the couch after dinner, go for a brisk walk to oxygenate your blood. Exercising with a partner is more fun and keeps you going."