Sunday, May 30, 2010

Relationship tip of the week #45-Solvable or Unsolvable Problems?-Part I

According to John Gottman's research there are two types of problems that all couples face-Solvable or Unsolvable. His statistics from numerous studies indicate that unfortunately 69% fall into the latter category. Today's post will focus on how to tell the difference between the two types.

Unsolvable, gridlocked or perpetual prolems are characterized by:
1) The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner
2) You keep talking about it but make no headway
3) You become entrenched in your positons and are unwilling to budge
4) When you discuss the subject, you end up feeling more frustated and hurt
5) Your conversations about the problem are devoid of humor, amusement or affection
6) As you become more rooted in your position, you become more polarized and exteme in your view and unwilling to compromise
7) Eventaully you disengage from each other emotionally

Solvable Problems:
1) These are less painful, gut wrenching or intense than perpetual probelms
2) These usually focus on a particular dilemma or situation
3) There is no underlying conflict that is fueling the dispute

(The above material is taken from John Gottman's book, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work" which has an excellent and in depth discussion of these problems

Next week we will look at Solvable Probelms and how to best work with them.

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